Introducing my Goddess



Cawfields Quarry

Mike Ridley’s ‘Milky Way over Cawfields’; Northumberland Dark Skies photography award winner 2015


In my recent posts, I have made repeated references to my shamanically-based spiritual beliefs and practices, including the presence of a Goddess. She has asked to be introduced, so I will tell the tale of how I met Her.


This is a true telling.


In 2010, my destiny moved me to a remote village in a river valley on the border of County Durham and Northumberland but ‘belonging’ to neither. Created to staff a local coalmine, the village had slipped into the legends of miners, but now deep in the clutches of post-industrial and social neglect, it has become a village of many poor.


I had come to the North East as a prisoner in 2003, transferred by Her Majesty’s Prison Service from HMP New Hall to the women’s wing at HMP Durham, on my birthday. From my temporary cell after arrival, I could see the full moon rise. Shaman are inclined to notice such coincidences… but I was not aware of how significantly different my change of circumstance actually was until I was ‘ghosted’ (prison transfer with 15 minute notice, usually occurring during lock-down) to HMP Low Newton the following July. Low Newton was a local prison then – it has since become high security following the closure of the women’s wing at Durham. I finished my sentence there and it was Prison staff who successfully arranged to resettle me in this village, where I have been able to pursue my both my shamanic and desistance disciplines.


The staff at Low Newton knew I was a shaman – I used to use my healing skills on them for the benefit of my peers. Staff who are bent out of shape can hurt prisoners because they’re hurting. I could fix some of those problems; it would have been irresponsible not to offer. Sometimes the offers were accepted. It still amuses me that they ‘freed’ to Little Moscow but given my experience of my Otherworld acting in the real one (like my birthday ‘gift’ in 2003), it’s quite possible they didn’t realise quite what they were doing to my shamanic narratives.


Since release, I have occasionally been asked to perform shamanic work; sometimes I have offered and the offer has been accepted, but I had still not met the Goddess I am about to introduce.


In October 2014, I found myself in a shamanic ‘weaving’ of synchronicity that began when a book *found* me ~ a history of the Northumbryian Kings.  I found a history my shaman’s eye found riveting.


Bebbabs wedding gift


It tells the history of the first Northumbrian king, Aethelfrith, but my story begins with Ida – a man who, legend says, came from the sea and claimed Dinguoaroy as his own, going on to become king of Bernicia. Dinguoaroy and Bernicia’s kingship passed first to his son and thence to his grandson, Aethelfrith.

To cement his kingship of Bernicia, Aethelfrith takes to Queen a pagan woman of the Pictish matrilineal royal line. Her name is Bebbab, and his bridal gift to her is the first jewel in his grandfather’s crown.

Aethelfrith gives Dinguoaroy to Bebbab and the significance of the gift is marked by the change in name. Dinguoaroy, henceforth, is to be called Bebbanburth in honour of a Queen of the pagan women’s royal line. It is still known by her name, though changed by time to Bamburgh.

A shaman’s eye cannot fail to notice such a story, nor a shaman’s imagination begin to start responding.


Bamburgh Castle

Bamburgh Castle, Bamburgh, Northumberland. (photographer unknown)


I wondered what kind of land was Bamburgh ‘made of’ and this was when I first became aware of the Whin Sill’s existence. Soon after came very late news of the death of a close spiritual friend and teacher and, in the few days prior to the winter solstice, came an unmistakable Call to shamanic service.  It was during this work that I met the female Spirit of the Great Whin Sill at the Cawfields Quarry of my Otherworld, where Spirit and human may interact.

This is the story of our meeting, told in the third person.

A few days following that ‘shaman’s flight’, and with the assistance of my late friend’s widower, I visited Cawfield’s Quarry, near Haltwhistle, Northumberland in person to leave gifts of thanks for the honour She had bestowed on me.

It was during this visit I learned Haltwhistle lays claim to being the centre of mainland Britain. A shaman might take note of this claim as ‘interesting’.

This same shaman’s eye also noticed my Goddess flaunting Her connection to the universe in the month’s that followed. The opening photograph of this blog, the winner of the Northumberland Dark Skies photography competition, and was taken during the following year at… Cawfield’s Quarry.

This shaman also noticed a surprising and very marked change in British social and political narratives some nine months afterwards following her Otherworld flight.

If there is any power at work here, it belongs to the energy I call Goddess who is but a single aspect of Greatgrandmother Earth, who is but a single aspect of a Mystery so great I cannot even begin to imagine it. This aspect is the Goddess I serve.



Her Creation tale has been told to me like this:


Whin Sill 4Some 295 million years ago, when Earth wore the face of Pangaea, my Goddess came into existence in the form of magma rising from the deep.  She squeezed Herself into the layers of Earth above Her, without ever reaching the surface. Through shafts from below, She spread out into galleries until She formed a huge plain. And here She stopped… for there was nowhere else for Her to go, overflowing with the heat from core of Greatgrandmother Earth.


It took sixty years for that heat to cool. So hot was She at the beginning, that the earth around Her was transformed into crystal. Today, men call the substance of Her body Dolerite, the transformed earth around Her they call Calcite, and the names local men gave to Her structure have since become generic terms for all other geological sill formations like Her.


Plain of the Whin Sill

The plain of the Whin Sill – source: BBC

In the eons since the Spirit of the Great Whin Sill was formed, Greatgrandmother Earth has changed Her face many times. Now the Whin Sill formation dwells in North East England (shaded region (source)), at the centre of mainland Britain, in a land once known as Albion.

Today, although Her main form continues to remain subterranean…


…where She has broken surface…

Stag or Harkness Rock Bamburgh

Harkness or Stag Rock, Bamburgh. (photographer unknown)


…She is spectacularly beautiful…

High Force

High Force (photographer unknown)


…and untamed,

High Cup Nick by John Clive

High Cup Nick by John Clive


…no matter how hard men may have tried.

Hadrian's Wall, Northumberland (photographer unknown)

Hadrian’s Wall, Northumberland (photographer unknown)


When I speak of my Goddess, this is of whom I speak.

Farne Islands (photographer unknown)

Farne Islands (photographer unknown)


We thank you for your interest.


Sycamore Gap, Hadrian's Wall, Northumberland. (photographer unknown)

Sycamore Gap, Hadrian’s Wall, Northumberland. (photographer unknown)

#ESA50 Another person’s shoes



Run your fingers through my soul


It’s been ten days since my ESA50 arrived… and a week since I last posted how I was doing following its arrival.


A few minutes after posting my second piece, I went into a shock collapse again – this time complete with my gut becoming molten with diarrhea and accompanied with vomiting. It was one of those experiences where I almost ended up lying on my bathroom floor (I’ve needed to do that before now… but not for a very long while) before I collapsed onto it anyway. I didn’t, but the experience left me with abdominal pain for 48 hours afterwards and my ability to ‘self-care’ ( a Mental Health profession standard) was completely shot to bits. It’s taken me a week to get back to a place where I can write again. I need to be able to write… I’ve still got my ESA form to complete.


Every time I contemplate filling in that fucking form, I start falling to pieces again. The Goddess alone speak the truthknows what kind of state I’ll be in once this blog has been posted (and before I’ve even completed the 20-page form itself). But it has to be done if I am to have, at least, a fifty-percent chance of continuing to live in a way that sustains my life… if I don’t, then loss is 100% guaranteed. I lose my benefits along with everything else. Indeed, now, each time I contemplate writing another blog-report on how I’m doing since the form arrived, my ability to function falls to levels where my clumsiness and forgetfulness is endangering. I forget to turn the gas off after cooking; I drop knives as I’m preparing food; everyday things I’m trying to tidy/clean fall apart in my hands making worse messes than the one I’m attempting to resolve; nothing goes smoothly ~ if it can go wrong, it does. It gets to the point where I have to stop (or not start at all) before I make matters any worse.


When this happens, I wonder what sane employer would engage me to work for them… unless they actually wanted to go out of business. If these is my physiological/psychological responses to the arrival of a form in the post, it’s not hard to imagine what kind of damage I might unintentionally inflict on any employer who even contemplated hiring me.  So, it won’t just be me I’m helping if I complete my ESA50 properly, in a way that accurately reflects my health and mental health situation – there are employers ‘out there’ I’m helping too.


Which brings me back to my unfortunate DWP decision-maker.


others are a real as you

I know I said, in my first post, that I would only talk to my Coroner but the fact remains that the first person I must talk to is my DWP decision-maker. I’ve thought a lot about them – whoever they are – in the last week.


Any decision in my case will be made by this human being who is working in an environment where the over-riding narrative kills the very people it was originally designed to serve. Because I have no idea who this person might be, I am left to fill the empty spaces with imagining: Who are you? What fears do you have? Who do you love, and why? What kind of life do you lead? And how will you manage a case like mine, with me saying what I am saying?


I wonder how what it is like to be placed in a position where you have the power of life or death over another human being? Did you know, when you took the job, that this is what the government would require you to do? And how does it feel to be treated that way?


These are not answers my decision-maker can share with me, not within current DWP narratives, but hurts the other person tootheir answers might be something they’d like to know for themselves. The system I rail against in my first post is not of our making – we are simply actors in a narrative created by the last Labour government and continued to its logical conclusion by the subsequent Coalition and Tory governments.  This narrative places my decision-maker in the role of deciding whether or not I meet the criteria these governments decided would be applied to the both of us. From this perspective, we – my decision-maker and I – are both victims; me, because its my life in the balance; and this unfortunate DWP employee who must come to a life-or-death decision about someone who falls to pieces the moment the question is asked.


It is easy to say that decision-makers should refuse the decision being required of them but that excludes the human element in their narrative as much as it excludes mine. Perhaps my decision-maker has a family and children; perhaps they are carers themselves. What would happen to their dependents if they did refuse to decide, and is that anything I could ask another human being to do, to risk the lives of others simply to ‘save’ mine? I don’t think so.


what you allowMy decision-maker’s bosses know they are asking their staff to make life or death choices over the lives of others. What on earth does that do to the people required to carry out such instructions or face sanctions themselves? How does it affect DWP staff to be the tool used to harm thousands upon thousands of people, all in the name of austerity? Every single DWP employee I have met, face-to-face, has treated me as human. Despite a catalogue of social labels that ‘ought’ to have rendered them cold and austere, they never took up that opportunity and I have nothing but gratitude for the ordinary human kindnesses they showed me as I showed them my claim for ESA was authentic. It is because of these people that I remember to stand in my decision-maker’s shoes; that I remember to separate the human aspects from the inhuman system they work in; to include their possible narratives with my own. Yes, there are those DWP staff who choose to be as inhuman as the system they work for, but the fact is I have not met them. I met those when I encountered Atos; who are known to have been employed at Capita and, despite any ‘assurances’ from Maximus, are likely to be employed there too, simply because the system is unchanged, only the firm ‘delivering’ it. There are always fewer checks and balances in profit-making businesses because that’s the nature of the beast. The way things are structured in the UK, public services may only do what the law allows; the private sector can do anything apart from that which the law forbids, and it perhaps why consecutive governments have always outsourced this aspect of my assessment. How do I know? I was once a public servant myself.


When i becomes weIn an inhuman systemic narrative – and I’ve life experience of a few of those – the only way I know that works is to face it down with the consequences of its beliefs. It was those repeated confrontations, particularly in prison, that eventually resulted in my heart attack and subsequent progressive heart disease. For every cold-hearted bastard or bitch I faced down – because the system can only be cruel if the people within that system collude with the narrative – there were warm-hearted women and men who brought me back from that edge. When they asked me what I wanted, my reply was always the same: ‘I want a life worth living’.


So what is a life worth living? In the case of the ESA50, I’d like to be treated as the intelligent but seriously ill human being I actually am. I want to be seen as something more than just an inaccurate social label that denies my capacity for faith, or love, or kindness.  I need to be more than soulless ‘stock’ to be herded out of DWP statistics, measured by my ‘worth’ to a system that sees my humanity only in terms of work to procure larger profits for those who already have more money than they will ever need or spend. This money-based narrative kills all that is human in me… and if it does that to me, it will be doing the same to every other human being it seeks to control, including my DWP decision-maker.


It’s not ‘work’ itself that is the problem; until my health collapsed, I’d worked all my life both as employee and, at the end, self-employed (for 12 years).  My second post speaks of recent charitable shamanic work I did for another. That work was possible only because I’d been given a lot of space to be human in. I like to be active and contributing to my community… but I have to be well enough to do it. Although that work was successful, by the time the main part was completed, I needed ten days to recover. If anything, it taught me that I was still not well enough to hold down a job and that was before the ESA50 arrived. Since then, both my health and mental health have nose-dived and any ‘goal’ of returning to work is further away than ever. Honestly, if there was another way to live that didn’t involve subjecting myself to the inhuman systemic narratives of the DWP, does anyone honestly think I wouldn’t take it?! If I don’t try, how do I know whether I can return to work or not, yet after I posted the blog I thought my decision-maker might think my unpaid shamanic work meant I was well enough to return to work full-time. Damned if I do try and damned if I don’t – the same lose/lose systemic narrative I kick off about in my first post.


Psychological invalidation

So, if my decision-maker is querying this aspect of my additional information, let me say this to you.


I am cognisant of the fact that I am in receipt of tax-payers money (a system I contributed to for 35 years) and I am grateful. My faith tells me that, as a recipient of the kindness of others, I have a social responsibility to give back when I can. In this instance, I was asked to help another’s dream come true; it was within my ability to do this and my conscience would not permit me to refuse. I helped… and their dream has come true. Of all the work I have ever done, this is my finest. I do not regret giving back to a world that has enabled me to live long enough to do it. It came with a price – my health did suffer but nowhere near as badly as it is suffering now. I still don’t regret it. This is my human narrative in the face of the systemic inhumanity we all live in. My shamanic disciplines are part of the deal – I cannot be separated from them anymore. My shamanic narratives sustained my life through prison, through probation, through desistance, and might even sustain me through this DWP repeat-testing of whether I’m lying about not being well enough to return to work. But here’s the thing…


… if I don’t make it out of this alive – and, Goddess-knows there are enough reasons to suppose I am facing my own death – I’ll be dying within a faith narrative that says it is possible for me to make the dreams of other human beings come true.


What can be certain, however, is that I won’t be enabling the ‘aspirations’ of money-centred inhumans who call me ‘scrounger’, ‘skiver’, ‘stock’ or ‘untermenschen’ – my work will be enabling and empowering the dreams of humanity to come true when facing down narratives peddled by liars, crooks and thieves who force others to comply with their corruption. And, who knows, perhaps my DWP decision-maker will be among those whose dream comes true too. I would like to believe so.


Now I need to go collapse again, because I promised myself that this week, I would complete that ESA50.


What is reality



When Death comes calling…




I am Death



To those who’ve just arrived, this blog is a follow-on to ‘ESA50 and all that‘, so this forms part of my supporting  evidence.


At the moment, the ESA50 occupies space on my table. It’s like having some lethally toxic creature patiently waiting for me to try and fill it in because that’s when its poisonous narrative bites. I must explain myself, again, to a system that doesn’t want to hear my responses so much, it appears to give no fucks if their process kills me.  I will fill it in eventually but I need to record my experience first. If the DWP decision-maker needs as much information as possible, I’m all for giving it to them.


So, for the record, since my last post, my physiological system has gone into shock FOUR times. If I don’t lie down immediately, I pass out. Each time, it takes longer to recover. What energy levels I did have are now crashing. This is due to the fact that I have this ESA50 monstrosity contaminating my home with its noxious narratives and threatening to take it all from me, even down to my life itself. It’s impact is subliminal to limbic levels on my psyche and my existential ‘death’ alarm communicates itself through the psyche/soma connections. It can be measured in small ways too like, I have developed a cold sore – my first in so long, I can’t recall the last time I had one.


These are the symptoms I am reporting some four days after receiving the form. I do hope my Coroner, or some other socially-responsible adult, consults experts in relation to my claim the physiological/psychological response to the ESA50 puts my life in danger, given my existing diagnosis of progressive heart failure; that by the very sending of the form, the WCA process endangers my life and even if my decision-maker decided that my claim for ESA is genuine, I still have to go through all the collapses which that letter would trigger.


Einstein on changeOne last thing… at the moment, I get chest pains even thinking about going near that thing. That’s why I haven’t attempted to yet.





It’s at times like these, Death puts in an appearance in my Otherworld. For those who weren’t aware already, I’m been fully committed to my shamanic disciplines since 2001, having begun the path in 1999. It means I have active inner-dimensions within my imagination and they often come to assist me at times like these.


I like Death; he’s handsome all the way through with a wicked sense of humour. Over the years, when I’ve been on the edge of the suicide precipice, Death has shown up. He’s good company at such times. In the past, I’d ask ‘Is it time?’ and he’d reply ‘Not yet’. This time, he’s not saying… he says the matter is out of his hands. It is. My Goddess is involved. The DWP issued their death-wish monster right in the middle of my Goddess manifesting an impossible dream come true for a young woman on our planet. Tomorrow it will be true and my shamanic work would have been complete. Had the ESA50 come tomorrow, my Goddess’s direct involvement would have been over… but it didn’t, and it isn’t… and she is.


So, how do I express this? In my personal spiritual narrative, I am servant to my Goddess – a pair of human hands who can enable her will to manifest into Life. We had already spent six weeks working together to manifest an impossible dream for a young woman, and before it is quite complete, the Dark Side launches an existential killing curse at her servant. So, lasses, if your Otherworld contained a Goddess dealing with my situation, how would yours respond?


I have said as much as I am presently allowed to say about the dream-come-true Goddess work performed so far.  but it does inform my approach to the ESA50 monster in the present both on a personal level as well as extending to all those who would choose be included in a community that had me as one of its shaman.


As a shaman (a closer description for my faith than witch), my spiritual responsibility extends beyond the personal – we work to benefit of our community. In this situation, my immediate community are all those like me, facing their ESA50, all those subjected to WCA’s, all those who lost, all those who died, every single soul who fell through this toxic social so-called ‘net’. We are multitudes, herded into the arms of Death by the DWP ‘points system’ scapegoating narrative of in the name of austerity.


This Dark Side ‘sacrifice’ to their tyrant ‘god’ of money consists of a gluttonous feeding on the death, pain, misery and suffering of others. It’s eventual outcome is always complete annihilation of Life itself. The energy created is what permits them to reduce the worth of my existence to ‘points’ in order to move ‘stock’ off ESA… in any way they can, including cheating. It’s already killed thousands and now it’s killing me. This is its purpose.


So here I am, a shaman (by anthropological definition), now dealing with the Scapegoat ritual death-curse whilst in the middle of completing a dream-come-true level spiritwork. So what to do?


The way to break this curse is for the scapegoat marked for death to be willing. To die willingly to benefit of my own communities – the lost/exiled/rejected/abused? It’s that exact sacrifice which cleanses my ‘flock’ of its sins and returns them to innocence & makes the ritual work properly.  Since we all have to die sometime, what’s not to like about this way? My inner warrior says this is an honourable death.  In my Otherworld, it’s called an Obi-wan moment, that ‘if you kill me now I’ll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine’ and regarded as an opportunity no self-respecting community shaman worth their salt whilst in service to Love would fail to answer gladly, especially if my death were the result of an intent to kill. I believe that if the DWP decision-maker decides to refer me to a WCA, given already disclosed information about my health and mental health as a result of the ESA50, that would prove intent to kill. Where my blogs allow me to speak from the grave? What a way to go! For all those reasons, I am willing. And, No, I don’t rule out miracles – when my Goddess is involved, there are always miracles but I’ve learned to trust. If my death is necessary, then I die with a glad heart and walk away into the sunset with my beautiful friend Death. We both knew it would come to this someday.


thumbs downI’ll face down their form and complete it… and this blog will be attached, for my decision-maker’s attention, with love from my Goddess and Death.


I wonder how it feels to have the power of life or death over another human being… as a routine part of your job.


Perhaps you forgot? I hope you’re competent and actually read these additional submissions with my ESA50, so I can gently remind you that it is my life or death you are deciding upon now… provided I’m still alive by the time it comes to you making your decision about my claim for ESA.


Which way will your thumb turn, I wonder?


Please be careful when you decide, for I would argue to a Coroner that the actions of the poor unfortunate decision-maker who sent me to my death-by-WCA point to a blatant disregard for my health and mental health, especially in the light of supporting evidence provided.


I feel for you. I really wouldn’t want to be in your position, especially not when facing down a dying shaman in the middle of her life-death-life ritual.


There will be more to come. This is all I can cope with at the moment.


Self talk



#ESA50 and all that



Bring forth what is within you Thomas Gospel


I received my latest ESA50 in the post yesterday. It’s about my seventh or eighth Work Capability Assessment and I know how it will work because the Department of Work & Pensions (DWP) do the same thing every time. Here’s how I recorded it’s impact on me last time around:

Forward Planning

#Atos and the Day of Judgment

#Atos: Even when I win, I still feel guilty


Every time, it’s the same. I don’t ‘score’ in their points system. Why? Because the narrative of their system has no room for people like me. I don’t exist so it fails to recognise me ~ nil points. Every single time. And every single time I’ve taken my case to tribunal level, the judicial decision was to exempt me from having to score points. That was when it was possible for someone like me to get to a tribunal ~ the Tories have made it all but impossible to get there now, and if I were to arrive I’d have to listen to some DWP representative explaining to the panel how I was actually fit for work. Basically, calling me a liar… again… using a system that is designed for me to fail.  It’s enough to break an honest heart which, given my progressive heart disease, looks like it might oblige the DWP by breaking for good this time around.



The DWP’s repeating narrative, delivered by the WCA and heralded by the arrival of the ESA50 form, this time from Maximus, that I am somehow dishonest in my claim for ESA and must be subjected to repeated checking I experience as an all-out assault on my very existence. Everything my current life depends on for its continuance is placed at risk and the worst case scenarios speak in terms of my destitution, death or both. This same system has repeatedly placed me in this scenario. These days, I experience the arrival of the ESA50 as a personal death threat from a system intent on carrying it out by hook or by crook. It triggers my complex post-traumatic stress disorder, I go into shock, my psyche shatters and my fight-flight-freeze physiological response is triggered.  Guess what that does to my blood pressure and then guess what effect it might have on a woman with progressive heart disease. This is not rocket science… it’s common sense.



Alan Rickman on human need for storiesThousands of people are affected by the arrival of an ESA50 in exactly the same kind of way as me.  We fall apart inside because we’re being faced with our whole world falling apart. We’re being threatened by a merciless system implementing a soul-destroying narrative to those of us already sick and/or disabled. The narrative repeats itself over and over, as if only through repetition can it force lies into ‘truth’. Each time, the process is harder, more threatening. And when people like us say to anyone who will listen, “This is killing us”; when research points in the direction of the real truth; when the United Nations starts investigating ‘alleged’ government violations of our human rights; how do the DWP respond?


They deny there’s a connection between what they are doing and the fact that, by sending me yet another ESA50, they are putting my life at direct risk. They’ve been denying it for years, even as the death toll they won’t fully release under FOI rules keeps rising and the research evidence against their claim of no connection has piled higher.



I am presented with a lose/lose scenario. Engage with the DWP narrative = destitution/death; tell DWP to go fuck itself = destitution/death. My living worth measured by a series of ‘points’ that don’t recognise my existence…? My living reality routinely denied by the very perpetrator’s violating my human right to existence, let alone my right to life?


Anyone down here on the receiving end of this DWP WCA narrative like how this story is being told?


Since I’m caught in web of the ESA50 process anyway, and I don’t like the way the DWP denies the link between the WCA and claimant deaths – I’m saying publicly that I believe this process will kill me and I also believe that is its ultimate intention. Since I don’t know when death will occur, while I live, I will go through the process of completing the ESA50 and share what my experience is like. This blog,  for example,  will be submitted as supporting evidence of a deterioration in my mental health likely to impact on my existing diagnosis of progressive heart disease as part of my additional evidence  with the duly completed form.  Copies of which will be provided to my GP, so he . When I say the WCA puts my life at risk, I want it recorded in my ESA50.


There is, however, one change I make to this narrative. Any personal expressions of mental anguish shared by blog or tweet are directed to my Coroner. If my own assessment of my health is accurate, there’s presently a 95% chance I’ll be a home alone death, which triggers a legal process to determine cause of death. I’m saying the additional stress caused by the arrival of the ESA50 is lethal to me and I’d like the specific link between the WCA process and my death to be fully examined by a Coroner. If Scotland can consider criminal prosecutions against Iain Duncan Smith and Chris Grayling with regard to their. If I’m going to die, then I’d like prove the DWP is lying when it says there’s no link between my death and their system. I’d also hope my Coroner would hear evidence resulting from other deaths linked to the WCA because this would point to intent. I’m saying there is an underlying intent to cause death to ‘stock’ considered ‘economically unviable’. A competent Coroner would not be able to come a full and considered opinion without considering any pattern of evidence beyond simply that of my own.


I hope my shift in narrative helps focus the attention of the unfortunate DWP decision-maker in my case if they’re competent, they’ll have read this far… . To them I would say this:


If I’m still alive when you read this as part of my ESA50 supporting evidence, I hope you understand I’m drawing a line in the sand. If you decide that proceeding to a WCA is necessary in my case, and where my GP will continue to support my contention that it will put my life at risk, I will argue that your action points to intent to cause me lethal levels of harm. I’d remind you that your previous WCA provider, Atos, chose to cancel my TWO WCA appointments for this very reason and my diagnosis has deteriorated further since the last time I filled in one of your forms. There’s a reason its called progressive heart disease… because it progresses… and it progresses MUCH faster when I am forced into systems I experience as a threat to my life. That’s why proceeding to a WCA endangers my life further over and the increased risk caused by the arrival of the ESA50.


If you, as my ‘decision-make’ choose to require me to attend a WCA,  given what I’ve already told you so far, how do you imagine a Coroner might view your decision?


I probably sound crazy. I hope I do – this process sends me into crazy land and unless I show you, decision-maker, what receiving the ESA50 is doing to me, how can you come to an informed decision.


What is certain, however, is that whatever you decide, your decision will say far more about you as a human being than it could ever say about me.


There’s many more PTSD responses I need to unpack but, for now, I need to stop… and post this.


What is reality


Related links:

I Thought About Quitting… by Kameron Hurley





Opening dialogue about abuse





Earlier this month, my deeply wise and very beautiful friend, Guilaine, spoke of her experience of the clinical psychology community and about behaviours that I consider abusive.

You can read of her experience here. As this is my response, I recommend you listen to what she has to say. I note the sparsity of comment, but I also note that it has taken me this long to finally shift into ‘spoken’ dimensions . Some issues are so deep they are rendered pre-verbal and require time for processing, for words to work their way to the surface and expression.

And my response…?


Walk away, Guilaine.

Sack the entire clinical psychology profession for profoundly unethical behaviour.

Tell them they can stick their profession where the sun don’t shine.

NO-ONE has the ‘right’ to treat anyone this way, let alone a ‘therapeutic’ profession one of their own students. Is this how they teach clinical psychologists to behave in the face of social and psychological cruelty?  They can go fuck themselves!


Walk away, Guilaine.

We both know they’ll never accept you, no matter how hard you try. You’ve lost before you’ve even started, in a rigged game, using rules that see only what is wrong with you, my beautiful and precious friend, whilst willfully refusing to acknowledge their own, far worse, failings.

The honour I see in you, Guilaine, requires that you walk away. You cannot be a part of this hypocrisy. We both know that, but there are so many more reasons for walking!


Walk away for your children.

To stay is to model acceptance of abusive behaviour. That is NOT an acceptable lesson to teach any mentally healthy child, without or within.


Walk away for our future.

The single wealthy white misogynistic male psychological narrative is cruel to all who fail to conform to their profoundly blinkered perspective. It’s a splitting narrative, which means it can only wound and harm.  True healing can only be found in the ‘unity’ of multi-narratives. Their ‘way’ is always past-oriented. Let it not be our future!


Walk away, Guilaine, our world needs your very obvious talents elsewhere.

If ever there was a time our psychological narratives needed practitioners able to facilitate excluded social narratives, it is now. You are eminently qualified for this work. We have HUGE communities across the world who need the kind of therapeutic help you are a natural for. To continue to crucify yourself on this academic cross of ‘professional acceptance’ is criminally irresponsible, both personally and socially.

You’re not alone. There are others walking away too. We see the same things you see, on our own terms and in our own way, but the pattern is unmistakable. It’s time to focus on solutions – we know the problems from the inside-out – it’s time to stop feeding the figure of the problem. Now we know what we don’t want, it’s time to focus on what we do. Those are future-oriented multi-narratives and women are born midwives. You tick all the boxes in ‘required specifications’ for such transformative work because you understand the depth and urgency of our need.


Walk away, Guilaine.

If you have clients, discuss this with them. You will be changing the therapeutic contract and your clients must be invited to reconsider their therapeutic alliance with you. It is a matter of free will and choice – there has been enough past arbitrary decision-making about clients and it needs to stop. When we take our power back, we model the process for others and give ‘unconscious permission’ to do the same. Those who are unable to change will leave, those who want to learn how to do this themselves will stay. These will be your new teachers – just follow where they lead you. They’ll show you where the interruptions and blockages are occurring – the more diverse the group, the more likely workable ‘answers’ will be found.


Walk away and come join us ‘out’-laws.

I have skills that would help get you off the ground, if you’re interested. My Gestalt training was a ‘private’ creation outside academia; student-led, experiential, facilitators learning as they went along with the help of first rate supervision. It also included the business side of setting up a practice, so I’m not suggesting anything I haven’t already done myself. By the time I retired, I’d spent 12 years in private practice. My first thoughts in your case, however, are around crowd-funding. Given the potential value of your work to the mental health of all our communities, crowd-funding would be appropriate.

As for qualifications, Life has already qualified you – you know more about wounds/wounding than any therapeutic training could teach. All you need, in my opinion, are contemporary working tools that enable/empower your ability to midwife the creativity necessary for us to get out of this nightmare, inclusive to all those who choose it.


Walk away, my friend.


Please stop hurting yourself. It’s cruel to you and its cruel to those of us who love you. It would be a healing kindness for all of us, but especially you, if you walk away. Give yourself permission to shine instead.


Remember, fear is only thirty seconds deep. Those are the first five knee-trembling steps… after that, you don’t stop. The trembling wears off as you get into your stride.


Just walk away, Guilaine… and keep walking.


My deepest gratitude to Guilaine for her willingness to engage with this. Here is her response to the above:


My Dear friend,
You have touched me in a way that I cannot put into words. And I want to say thank you.
Thank you for caring enough to ask me to walk way, but…
I will not walk away.
I am not ready to walk away.
I am not willing to walk away.
Not without a fight.
When treated unfairly, I fight for justice.
That is what I do.
This is Black women the world over are forced to do.
That is how I have survived.
That is how generations before me have survived.
I must honour them too.
I could never walk away without knowing I tried to make right the wrong done to me.
Is some of me dying in the process?
But, also some of me is coming alive.
 Alive to the suffering that is all around us.
To the myriads of ways human beings can be cruel to those who are different.
I am learning all about power.
And the inherent sense of weakness and inadequacy it serves to cover.
I’ve learnt how people can be tortured.
 In public and killed slowly all while business goes on as usual.
 I’ve learnt that closing our eyes is the way some of us embody empathy. And professionalism.
I am learning about life. And its fuckery.
These are part of universe’ gifts to me.
This is the wisdom and lived experience I draw from when I support others.
This is the lived experience I can instantly recognise when people come to me for help.
Sometimes complete strangers in the street.
So for them too, I will not walk away.
I am not a walker. I am a fighter.
Even my name means ‘the one who fights’. Perhaps another gift from the Universe.
I will not walk away.
I never have.
And I hope, through all my imperfections and mistakes as a parent, that my children can learn some things are worth fighting for.
They can be reminded that ideals are worth more than possessions.
And to be absolutely clear, I am not fighting for clinical psychology. I am fighting for decency. I am fighting for my right to equality. I am fighting for my right to treated as a human being.
And the rights of others too.
I am not disposable. And therefore not someone who can be bullied into walking away.
Thanks Dearest friend but I shall stay.
But, I welcome you on my journey.



It seems appropriate to pause here; to keep company and stay present with two very different realities emerging from separate root systems, each with unique personal responses to the issue of abusive behaviour in psychological disciplines.

It is a pause to appreciate, respect and honour our differences; it is not the same as stopping. Our conversation has not reached any kind of closure… not by a very long way.

watching others suffer

Corbyn’s Labour: Uncomradely Behaviour




do not cross


It had to happen sooner or later; the signs have been there all along – it was only a matter of when.


Andrew Fisher, an aide to Jeremy Corbyn, has been suspended from the Labour Party and faces ‘calls for his expulsion after suggesting people should back a Class War candidate in May’s election instead of Labour’s candidate’. It’s worth quoting the BBC report because the details are important:


[Andrew Fisher] had faced calls for his expulsion after suggesting people should back a Class War candidate in May’s election instead of Labour’s candidate.

Mr Fisher apologised but critics accused him of showing “contempt”.

Mr Corbyn has said he still has “full confidence” in Mr Fisher amid reports the aide was still working for him.

Channel 4 News said Mr Fisher had been suspended for “administrative” reasons.

Labour former ministers Caroline Flint and Siobhain McDonagh, who complained about the tweet, said in a joint statement they were “pleased” the party was enforcing its rules.

They said they had been acting “on behalf of those hard working members who were offended by Mr Fisher’s activities which included supporting a candidate against Labour.

Mr Fisher’s appointment is one of a number to Mr Corbyn’s close circle that have proved controversial among Labour MPs.

The economist and former trade union official posted a tweet in August 2014, which has since been deleted, saying “if you live in Croydon South, vote with dignity, vote @campaignbeard” – the Twitter name of the Class War party candidate.

Class War, an anarchist group, has suggested that there is “no difference” between any of the Westminster parties.

Labour’s official candidate in Croydon South, Emily Benn, granddaughter of Mr Corbyn’s political mentor Tony Benn, lodged a formal complaint about the tweet.

BBC: 6 November 2015 (my emphasis)


Firstly, let me make it clear that I have no personal involvement in the above and I know none of the ‘actors’. My observations are based on my past experience as a shop steward and full-time trade union representative as they relate to the operation of disciplinary procedures.


Such was my experience in representing members and negotiating disciplinary procedures that after I behavioural limitsburned-out and changed careers, my employers required me to write training courses for managers on this subject. Managers were making serious mistakes and the human resources staff wanted them educated in how to operate the procedures properly and fairly. Later, when I trained as a psychotherapist, the same issue arose around interpersonal boundaries – we need them.


We need to put boundaries around peoples’ behaviour because some behaviour is directly harmful. And if someone purposefully engages in harmful behaviour, especially within an organisation such as the Labour Party, then it is quite correct that disciplinary procedures should be invoked for the sake of everyone. So I agree with Caroline Flint and Siobhain McDonagh, it is a good thing that Labour is enforcing the rules, but only up to a point.


When I was first being trained to represent members at disciplinary hearings, the point made by the tutor, a full-time TU official, was that procedures were there to ensure the panel did their job properly. Many a management attempt at imposing disciplinary sanctions would fail if it could be shown the procedures had not been followed; that the penalty was too harsh; and/or disciplinary standards were being applied unevenly or unfairly. This last point is particularly relevant in Andrew Fisher’s case.


Emily Benn FB
The Pot and the Kettle

As I understand it, during last May’s election, Andrew Fisher sent a humorous tweet suggesting in folk in Croydon South vote for Class War candidate. The official Labour Party candidate for that constituency was Emily Benn, granddaughter of Tony Benn, who was aggrieved at Fisher’s behaviour and complained about him. Yet following Jeremy Corbyn’s election as leader, the very same Emily Benn posted a ‘retweet’ to her Facebook account suggesting women should leave the Labour Party and join the Women’s Equality Party instead.


Emily Benn tweet

Given that Ms. Benn had already complained about Andrew Fisher’s behaviour earlier in the year, it would be reasonable to assume that she was fully aware that the Labour Party has rules about encouraging members to join another non-affiliated political party yet, despite her recent encounter with this rule, she retweeted the recommendation following Jeremy’s election.


If Labour’s rules are applied to all party member’s, I await Ms Benn’s disciplinary hearing in due course, particularly if Mr Fisher’s punishment is to be expelled. To fail to call her to account for her actions would bring Labour’s disciplinary procedure into public disrepute. I would hope that both Ms. Flint and Ms. McDonagh concur, after all that’s what rules are for, aren’t they? Ms Benn’s misconduct carries a greater gravitas because she herself had complained about Mr. Fisher – she knew the rules. What’s good for the gander is also good for the goose.


Labour Party Discipline

For those in Labour celebrating the suspension of Andrew Fisher, I would point out that if you start what you allowenforcing rules upon Corbyn aides, you will raise collective awareness that Labour has disciplinary rules and this means those same rules apply to you too.


At present and in matters of ‘uncomradely behaviour’, there is growing mountain of evidence that rules are not being applied equally across the membership. A harsher behavioural regime is apparently being used to ‘police’ party members who support Jeremy Corbyn.


We are being required to endure a level of aggression and highly personal disrespect from some actively anti-Corbyn members. Indeed I blogged about this only a few days ago. Whilst unfamiliar with the party’s disciplinary procedures, I would be astonished if the relentless insults I was subjected to by a former Parliamentary Labour Party Special Advisor did not fall squarely into the category of  ‘uncomradely behaviour’.


ExSpAd to meBrimir’s opinion is that Corbyn is an unelectable disaster who will destroy the Labour Party. Over the course of the day he informed several of us engaging with him that we were ‘anachronisms’, ‘deluded sect members’, ‘off with the fairies’, ‘£3 tinpot Trots’, members of ‘the fruitcake permanent opposition party’ who were better expelled and, in my own case, ‘a deeply sad individual destined to be disappointed’.

Corbyn’s Labour: A Bloody Rotten Audience



manipulative people

I found it curious that within 48 hours of Brimir alleging Corbyn supporters were a ‘sect’, Tristram Hunt was saying something very similar. Indeed, Mr Hunt went on to inform Cambridge University students: “You are the top 1%. The Labour party is in the shit. It is your job and your responsibility to take leadership going forward.”


Jeremy Corbyn won the leadership of the Labour Party fairly and squarely – in all voting categories – by a massive majority. We could exclude all the votes from ‘£3 tinpot Trots’ and Jeremy would still have won the leadership by a massive majority. What does it say of the Parliamentary Labour Party that we now have leading members, with a very public platforms, briefing the media against their democratically-elected leader and hounding activists for mistakes that they themselves make? What interests me is whether this form of ‘uncomradely behaviour’ falls within the remit of the party’s disciplinary procedures and if it doesn’t, why not?

As news of Andrewleadership results Fisher began circulating on the social media, various other MP’s who have exhibited  ‘uncomradely behaviour’ towards Jeremy are being identified. This points to the possibility of a witchhunt and, under the desistance rules I am bound to comply with, my social responsibility will not permit me to remain a party member under such circumstances. I am boundaried by law and disciplinary rules – to remain a member during a witchhunt would be to collude with a party that has no boundaries to its behaviour. It is my duty to society to remove myself from such politics. But there’s more…


Because I’d had to abandon my attempt to engage Brimir after Tristram Hunt’s speech has sent him into deep into offensive behaviour, I took time to reflect on what I knew about the messages he’d been tweeting to me and came to this conclusion:


Additionally, Brimir is fully aware he is promoting political policies which purposefully and knowingly exclude my voice, on the grounds of his exceptionalism and my absolute worthlessness. This is the same narrative being propagated by the Tories I have standardsand the evidence says it is fatal to folk like me.  It is also the same narrative currently used by the State of Israel when describing Palestinians. The resultant death-toll is of as much supreme disinterest to Israel as my kind of benefit-death is to Brimir. I wonder if he was at all aware of how much he was unconsciously communicating in the other realms of elementary intelligence?

And if Brimir is aware, then is it reasonable to assume that his behaviour is abusive? If it were to be determined that a Labour Party member was shown to be actively and purposefully attacking the existential value of another (more vulnerable) member up to and including state-sanctioned lethal outcomes, does anything get done about it?

I ask because both my conscience and my social responsibility as a desister forbids me to remain aligned with those of murderous intent because to remain is to condone such behaviour – I’d be putting my shot at social redemption at risk if I were to remain. The austerity narrative was why I could not align with Labour before Jeremy’s election. Further, Jeremy knowingly excludes lethal force from his narratives – something I am required to comply with as a desister. It’s why I rejoined. If, however, the practical expression of Corbyn’s Labour is to allow some members to target others with lethal narratives for the sake of a ‘broad church’, then I can have no part of it.

Corbyn’s Labour: Tristram Hunt and the University of Life


As a woman with considerable long-term professional experience in the field of discipline and boundaries, I see no reason to change my assessment. If Andrew Fisher is sanctioned whilst other offenders remain undisciplined, it will signal to me that Labour is not the democratic party it claims to be and in the court of my conscience, it will be found blameworthy and summarily dismissed for gross misconduct.


consequences ahead




Corbyn’s Labour: Tristram Hunt & the University of Life



never play w hearts


Funny how synchronicity works. The day after I post ‘Corbyn’s Labour: A Bloody Rotten Audience‘ the media starts reporting Tristram Hunt’s views on the Labour Party delivered to an audience of Cambridge University students.


He was remarkably honest, I thought. In the company of our own kind, folk have a tendency to relax and say stuff they wouldn’t usually say to a ‘mixed’ crowd. He certainly inspired a triumphant Brimir to resurrect into my mentions after I’d posted the link on my feed. I had to block him. He made his nature as a troll Semitic_peopleobvious by calling me anti-Semitic for listening to all Semitic people in Palestine rather than just Israel’s narrative. His unapologetic insult made it plain to me that here is a man who does not want to be included in a Labour Party democratically led by Jeremy Corbyn. To continue to engage my compassion is to disrespect him because he clearly affords it no worth in his relationships. Equally, to continue to permit him to behave without compassion in my mentions disrespects me. So I blocked him.


Whilst I’m sure Brimir can trot out a CV to dazzle his peers, mine looks a little different. My qualifications come from the University of Life. For example, one thing I discovered there is people don’t ‘learn’ only in the way Oxbridge-type intellectuals tell us we do.



In the University of Life, there are four ‘elemental’ ways of learning:

  • intellectual knowledge
  • emotional intelligence
  • wisdom of ‘spirit’
  • practical application

Of all the ‘elements’, intellect (air) is the most restrictive in the development of intelligence, particularly when it refuses to be ‘educated’ by other elements. That sentence probably looks prejudicial, but I submit an example – the Cambridge University reporter’s response to the media reaction to Tristram Hunt’s speech. Perhaps Corbyn’s intellectuals could follow its progress through the other elements and see how it stands up. I have no problem with an emotionally-intelligent intellect.


So next size up in the elemental University of Life is emotional intelligence (water). This ‘school’ is now openly present in Labour discourse by Corbyn’s active inclusion of mental health issues. So I invite our mental health Corbynites to form an opinion on the power dynamic occurring in A Bloody Rotten Audience; what does it suggest might be happening to some new party members? In the watery elements, it is a matter of interpersonal respect that we are allowed to have feelings about how we are treated; in healthy exchanges, this calls for boundaries on all sides, not just some.


Once embarked upon the voyage of emotional intelligence, the student in the elemental University of Life will inevitably encounter ‘spirit’ dimensions, not to be confused with religion. This kind of wisdom (fire) dwells at the heart of many things human. We find it in ethics, morals and any quest for ‘truth’. What is certain here is that anything claiming to be wisdom that not rooted in some form of Love of Creation is bound to fail. It is not possible to healthily gain wisdom in this element without the presence of Love in some form or another. Without it, any knowledge gained here belongs to the dark side of the Force; it is the realm of Deatheaters; the undeniable fingerprint of the Holdfast archetype:


educating the mind wout heart“He is the hoarder of the general benefit. He is the monster avid for the greedy rights of ‘my and mine.’ The havoc wrought by him is described in mythology and fairy tale as being universal throughout his domain. This may be no more than his household, his own tortured psyche, or the lives that he blights with the touch of his friendship and assistance; or it may amount to the extent of his civilization. The inflated ego of the tyrant is a curse to himself and his world – no matter how his affairs may seem to prosper. Self-terrorized, fear-haunted, alert at every hand to meet and battle back the anticipated aggressions of his environment, which are primarily the reflections of the uncontrollable impulses to acquisition within himself, the giant of self-achieved independence is the world’s messenger of disaster, even though, in his mind, he may entertain himself with humane intentions. Wherever he sets his hand there is a cry (if not from the housetops, then – more miserably – within every heart): a cry for the redeeming hero, the carrier of the shining blade, whose blow, whose touch, whose existence, will liberate the land.”

Hero with a Thousand Faces, 2nd Edition


I intend to expand on the dangers of the archetypes swirling around Corbyn but not in this blog. This is simply to illustrate that such subjects are included in lessons from the University of Life, as are lessons on timing and our collective consciousness. I invite readers to imagine Brimir’s behaviour if I tabled such subjects in his presence. My own imagination sends me images of the weasel’s laughing themselves to death in ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’, or Tory mockery in the House of Commons when welfare issues are debated.


Which brings us on to the only Doctorate-level qualification issued by the elemental University of Life: practical application (earth). Unless we have lived it, we can never qualify. Bitter experience is the only measure. The human theories we create in our intellect need to be tested by water for kindness and compassion; they also need to be tested by the fire of human relationship using meExSpAd to measures of respect and fair play. We see the results in evidence (earth). The theories of humanity applied to me by Brimir posit the intellectual belief that I am totally without value to the Labour Party. This  has been supported publicly by Tristram Hunt who claims all ‘goodness’ to he and his.


“The tyrant is proud, and therein resides his doom. He is proud because he thinks of his strength as his own; thus he is in the clown role, as a mistaker of shadow for substance; it is his destiny to be tricked.”


The absence of emotional intelligence means Brimir can do things like claim the only way for Labour to win elections is by appealing to Tory voters, whilst at the same time singularly failing to notice that Jeremy Corbyn is, in fact, already Oborne on Corbynattracting such agreement, if not support, from the same. I wonder if he regards Peter Oborne or Michelle Dorrell’s opinion with the same disdain as he regards mine?


Additionally, Brimir is fully aware he is promoting political policies which purposefully and knowingly exclude my voice, on the grounds of his exceptionalism and my absolute worthlessness. This is the same narrative being propagated by the Tories and the evidence says it is fatal to folk like me.  It is also the same narrative currently used by the State of Israel when describing Palestinians. The resultant death-toll is of as much supreme disinterest to Israel as my kind of benefit-death is to Brimir. I wonder if he was at all aware of how much he was unconsciously communicating in the other realms of elementary intelligence?


And if Brimir is aware, then is it reasonable to assume that his behaviour is abusive? If it were to be determined that a Labour Party member was shown to be actively and purposefully attacking the existential value of another (more vulnerable) member up to and including state-sanctioned lethal outcomes, does anything get done about it?


I ask because both my conscience and my social responsibility as a desister forbids me to remain aligned with those of murderous intent because to remain is to condone such behaviour – I’d be putting my shot at social redemption at risk if I were to remain. The austerity narrative was why I could not align with Labour before Jeremy’s election. Further, Jeremy knowingly excludes lethal force from his narratives – something I am required to comply with as a desister. It’s why I rejoined. If, however, the practical expression of Corbyn’s Labour is to allow some members to target others with lethal narratives for the sake of a ‘broad church’, then I can have no part of it.


It would be a shame to resign so soon after rejoining without at least trying to contribute to the discussion, particularly as Hunt and Brimir have tabled it and other educated opinions are now being tossed into the mix. In my own opinion, the politics of envy has no place in the Labour Party I wish to belong to. It would be interesting to hear from others what they make of it.


For the sake of all my peers, I hope this blog offers a representative-enough view of what a graduate of University of Life can look like. I’m not alone. There are many more smarter graduates emerging from my alma-mater into party membership – are they going being subjected to the same treatment Brimir offered me?


When did it become acceptable to treat anyone that way, especially in Labour?



emotional abuse


Corbyn’s Labour: A Bloody Rotten Audience


You’re a bloody rotten audience whilst I am very good
If brains were made of oak and ash then you’d have balsa wood
I’m ethnic and authentic and I’m really full of class
While you’re ignorant, you’re cultureless, you’re philistines en masse.                                                                         Eric Bogle

So this troll turned up in my twitter mentions yesterday. For the sake of this blog, I’m going to call him Brimir because this is not about attacking him. It’s about the experience of engagement.

Brimir arrived in my mentions because I was engaged in a discussion about Jeremy Corbyn, the new leader of UK’s Labour Party. To say that Jeremy is a divisive figure within the higher echelons of Labour is to slightly understate the problem. As Brimir had previously worked within these hallowed heights, his tweeted views reflected this and as someone who has recently rejoined the Labour Party precisely because Jeremy had been elected, we were destined to disagree… vehemently. We are both people with very strong opinions.

ExSpAd to meBrimir’s opinion is that Corbyn is an unelectable disaster who will destroy the Labour Party. Over the course of the day he informed several of us engaging with him that we were ‘anachronisms’, ‘deluded sect members’, ‘off with the fairies’, ‘£3 tinpot Trots’, members of ‘the fruitcake permanent opposition party’ who were better expelled and, in my own case, ‘a deeply sad individual destined to be disappointed’. In his favour, however, the worst he imagined for us was Labour losing the election in 2020, which is probably why I continued the conversation. Usually trolls imagine far worse than that, especially if we happen to be women. Nevertheless, there were other reasons why I continued engaging.

Jeremy Corbyn has made it very clear, in both word and deed, that he views the Labour Party as inclusive, a broad church, Corbyn respectencompassing a wide range of very different views. As someone who joined because he is leader, I feel a personal responsibility to contain my engagement within these inclusive principles. Why? Because I have more than enough personal experience of being excluded, silenced, vilified and exiled from social discourse. I do no service to either society or the Labour Party by promptly stamping down on opinions I don’t like the moment my ‘team’ ‘wins’. Labour did that to its membership in the 1980’s and continued the same policy of ‘silencing the left’ over the following decades right up until Jeremy’s election. To repeat this process in reverse is to reinforce this division internally in an already deeply divisive political environment. So I had political reasons to continue engaging Brimir but I also had personal ones.

For reasons I cannot fully explain, Brimir touched my compassion. Here is a man whose personal history had dedicated 30 years of activism to the Labour Party. He has advised its leaders; has worked very hard to ensure the party would win elections and now he is faced with his worst nightmare. Everything his political narrative had told him to avoid at all costs has suddenly and unexpectedly resurrected, supported by the thousands of new members joining the party he regards has his. single storyIn human terms, it is neither reasonable nor fair to expect him to ‘get over it’ easily or quickly. The tone of yesterday’s tweets carries the emotional charge of someone whose world has just turned upside down in the worst possible way. As someone who knows what it is to have all my beliefs upended into nightmare, I can empathise with his difficulty even if I disagree with his analyses. Throughout the day, I found myself reflecting on him and still willing to engage, despite the sharp and sometimes hurtful edges of what I think of as his ill-informed stereotypical opinions.

There’s nothing wrong with being ill-informed – everyone is. There are always subjects we know well but the universe is a very big place and only the single narrative ever claims to have all the answers. Communities are far better served by multiple narratives, where we can collectively draw upon the knowledge and wisdom of many individuals. It is this knowledge that leads me to agree with Jeremy about the need for Labour to be inclusive, including Brimir and those who might feel the same way he does. In the multiple narratives Jeremy is now generating within the Labour Party, acknowledging and respecting Brimir’s opinion no longer requires me to disrespect or stifle my own. Nevertheless my narrative about Labour has been profoundly different from his. I have my own equally powerful feelings about how Labour has treated folk like me particularly in opposition and I’m not alone in feeling this way.

At present, the political gulf between us is so wide as to appear unbridgeable. Certainly it seems that way to Brimir, judging opening your eyesfrom his unhappier tweets about Corbyn’s Labour. Despite engagement, his feelings are largely unchanged and I could have been tempted to buy into his analysis and abandon him to his misery but for one thing. At the end of a very tiring day of sometimes bitter exchanges, he said something that completely floored me. He said he liked me. Given the way my compassion continued to be triggered, I suspect I might like him too. If that isn’t a first rope across the political chasm, then I don’t know what is.

There are other possible areas of agreement too. Brimir wants Labour to win the next general election in 2020. So do I. What we disagree on is the how… but then we have four years to build bridges of understanding across the gulf of the last forty years. In that time, the shock of change will have softened and, I hope for everyone’s sake, we will have enabled more opportunities to establish a much deeper mutual understanding of the social problems such a Labour government will be facing, together with potential solutions we may not like but are willing to try.

So here’s to the Brimir’s of the Labour Party capable of making a human connection with Corbynites they regard as a pain in the flipping arse. No worries lovelies, we’re inclined to think the same about you which, oddly enough, places us on the first level playing field in British politics I’ve seen in over forty years.

Salariat view of Corbyn

“The Table of Destiny” #Sept5 #globalmeditation



“Yet, no matter how deeply I go down into myself, my God is dark, and like a webbing made of a hundred roots that drink in silence.”
~ Rainer Maria Rilke

On 5th September 2015, there will be a 30-minute global meditation in New York. Anyone life-affirming can participate (local times here). Originally entitled “In the company of angels” and conceived by the sound-shaman/psychotherapist Tom Kenyon as simply part of what he does, it got ‘occupied’ by his Otherworld guides, the Hathors. This is what they’ve done to his event:

We are therefore calling into action all positive angelic forms from all spiritual traditions, from all life-affirming interdimensional beings, from all alien civilizations of positive intent, and from all human beings who are aligned with our intention.

We will be creating a nexus point on September 5, 2015. And through a global meditation we will be calling forth these many diverse and life affirming angelic forms into an alliance for the protection of life and its elevation upon this planet.

Let us be clear what we mean by this.

If human consciousness elevates itself to a higher level than it is currently manifesting, then it deserves to survive. If it does not elevate itself then humanity, as you know it, will not survive this passage. It is a collective cosmic intelligence test you are now facing on many levels.

Our creation of this nexus point, around which these positive electromagnetic fields of intelligence can move together as a coherent force, is an unusual proposition.

This is because the creators of these angels come from many different spiritual, alien and interdimensional sources.  These “angelic beings” rarely interact with each other, and yet we are calling them to the Table of Destiny for the sake of humanity and all life upon this planet.

© Tom Kenyon

All the stars you see at nightHaving work hi-jacked in unexpected directions is part of any shaman’s job description; indeed it forms part of the experience of active faith, regardless of how people may conceive it. It is the surprising quality of such experiences that attracts, nourishes and sustains my own faith. To relate to another – any kind of ‘other’ – is always unpredictable, so why should a life-affirming relationship with the Sacred Other be any different?

When Tom first posted details of The Table of Destiny, I shared them via the social media but I want to to both remind and encourage all life-affirming humans to participate. Here’s why:

Every once in a while, opportunity presents itself to each and every one of us. It comes in many forms and frequently appears during times of great difficulty. In my experience, it never shows up the way I want or expect it to, and quite rightly so, because opportunity always moves us into unexplored territory by offering new ‘solutions’. We never know whether these solutions will work; the only way to find out is to try it and see what happens.  In my view, the opportunity created by Tom and the Hathors is one of the most unusual and fascinating ideas I have ever come across; the chance to be ‘present’ at an interdimensional Table of Destiny with such ‘Others’ ~ all positive angelic forms from all spiritual traditions, from all life-affirming interdimensional beings, from all alien civilizations of positive intent, and from all human beings who are aligned with our intention ~ that it completely beggars my imagination.

‘Could such a thing possibly be true? Doesn’t this sound like all the new-age ‘woo’ circulated and promoted by flakes and psychotics?’ says my inner-cynic. Well, there is a way to check.

It is one thing to imagine beyond ourselves but to be grounded we have to have a firm grasp of reality. Here is are a few examples of the Hathors’ ‘take’ on our global reality:

Confront the empireYou are at a collective evolutionary threshold and the pressures are building. These are being felt by individuals, by those in relationship, by all aspects of your society–and your global politics. The economic powers that control the global economy are manipulating the press and information systems on your planet to create fear. Fear is an ancient method of manipulating human consciousness. When a human is afraid, he or she operates from the reptilian circuitry of his/her brain. This results in less access to the higher brain centers, a decrease in reason, and an inability to see new options. The global economic powers have a vested interest in keeping you, and society in general, in a lower evolutionary state. Here it becomes very complex and to attempt a simplification is to enter very difficult waters, so to speak. But we will attempt to do just this because the hour is late.

At the monetary level of planetary power, those in control wish to remain in control. There is an understanding on their part that the information age is about to move the center of control out of their hands, and they are doing everything they can to stop it.

© Tom Kenyon: 2003

Fear does not prevent deathThe paradox and the difficulty is that you live in a dualistic universe, and virtually any action you take is met by a counter-force. This paradox and difficulty is like a metaphorical grain of sand in an oyster; it is irritating. But through the process of self-evolution, the irritation (i.e. duality) becomes a pearl, and paradoxically, something of value emerges from that which was problematic. But each Initiate must create this pearl of self-transformation for him or herself. No religion, no master, no teacher or guru can do it for you.

It may sound too simplistic but, in our experience, the greatest evolutionary catalyst, and the greatest vibratory field of safety to bridge transition states (such as the one you are collectively entering), is through the heart, your heart.

Let us be more specific here. As the number of Chaotic Nodes increases, the challenges to mental and emotional stability will multiply. And as a result, increasing numbers of individuals will enter irrational states of consciousness. There will be a tendency for these individuals to act out in self-destructive ways. And because you are connected to all life on this planet, you will be affected to some extent by the emotional turmoil of others.

© Tom Kenyon: 2011


Sufi transformation processThere is a growing sense among many that something is terribly wrong, and along with this is the feeling that there is no solution. In this instance we agree with something Albert Einstein once said, which is that the solution to a problem cannot be solved at the level of the problem.

From our perspective, the escalation of Chaotic Nodes is creating tidal waves of intense chaotic energies that many of you are finding difficult to contend with. Furthermore, your automatic reflexive ways of dealing with change are increasingly ineffective.

There is a fork in the road, so to speak, that you have entered both individually and collectively. One path from this fork will lead you into a type of madness and an inability to function in practical ways. For those who take this fork, escapism will be on the rise. Self-destruction both individually and collectively will also increase in this period.

Many of you who have an opportunity to transition out of third-dimensional reality into other dimensions will take it.

Without mincing words, to use one of your phrases, we would say you are entering one of the more difficult passages of planetary transformation.

At this fork in the road, one path leads to self-destruction, madness, despair and hopelessness while the other fork leads to a deeper connection with your interdimensional or spiritual nature.

© Tom Kenyon: 2014

Despite the galactic perspective, the Hathors seem to have a very firm grasp of the present human condition faced by life-affirming people on our planet. They utilize the language of our science to explain the processes our planet is now experiencing. This qualifies as ‘grounded’ in my reality. The Hathors describe feelings and behaviour I experience and sometimes struggle with. Their message is consistent over time. ‘Woo’ cannot do this. But I am fortunate; I’ve had five years to get to know Tom, the Hathors and the work they do together. What of those who have not had this privilege and are encountering this invitation to the Table of Destiny for the first time? I would suggest the following:

Einstein on the universeIf you are someone with a preference for evidence, take a look at Tom’s work with the Hathors. There is no expectation or requirement to believe or accept all of it but ask yourself if there is enough information to resonate with your own experience of ‘reality’. Remember that Tom himself had similar problems with his incredulity: ‘ I was a rationalist. And these beings—whoever they were and wherever they came from—did not fit into my views of reality at the time.

Then ask yourself, “Just suppose it’s true”.

Just suppose the truth is you can meditate for half an hour, listening to “A Bridge between the Worlds” (free to download) on 5 September 2015, at this time, within a nexus described as the Table of Destiny in the company of other life-affirming people and beings from all over our universe. coming together for the sake of humanity and all life on our planet.

Given the crisis levels of fear, hatred, spite, malice, indifference and cruelty currently manifesting within humanity at present, would you really want to miss such an opportunity?

I already know my answer.

refuses to believe in magic

The Politics of Kindness, Ethics and Morality


Respect gone mad

It’s been a long while since I blogged anything. Some might call it writer’s block but, for me, it’s more about conversation and relationship. The result of the General Election last May brought all possibility of my making such interpersonal connections with others to a shuddering halt and I fell silent. What else could I possibly say to those refusing to listen that had not already been said if not by me then certainly by others?

This huge impasse began cracking when Jeremy Corbyn stood in the Labour leadership election. For the first time in years here was someone for whom my own reality existed; my circumstance became visible in UK political discourse yet it was not enough to dissolve my internal barriers to the self-expression required for blogging. It seems I have a need for human-to-human relating to give my words enough form for writing. I discovered that it is not enough to simply hang out within the Blair's heartecho-chambers of Labour’s Left-wing who, quite rightly in my opinion, are celebrating this huge existential change in UK politics. Given subsequent behaviour of many within Labour, it’s clear the emergence of such dialogue is deeply unwelcome. It’s also clear that those seeking to have this debate are equally unwelcome. The party’s active rejection of those seeking to bring it to the policy table contributed to my own decision not to rejoin the party because, Goddess knows, I carry enough reasons to be socially rejected without volunteering myself for more. Like the general election itself, the battle over whether my humanity ‘belongs’ in UK politics had the same silencing impact over my ability to blog. The environment simply had not altered enough to include my ability to relate in any supportive or constructive way. I am grateful to Jeremy Corbyn for his refusal to indulge in the dirty aspects of campaigning and deeply saddened that his opponents seemed incapable of the same magnanimity. Until today.

Corbyn respectSo if anyone ‘out there’ is glad to see this blog back in action after a six-month plus hiatus, the man to thank is Charlie Beckett whose own blog ‘The debate about the future of the Labour Party: the best and worst of times‘ was posted yesterday on the London School of Economics’ website. I invite everyone reading this to read what he has to say as well because I’m searching for models of balanced discussion in a deeply unbalanced situation and it is simply not possible to achieve balance without giving both ends of a polarity an equal hearing. Charlie is responding fairly to the ‘Corbyn effect’. This blog is responding to the valid points Charlie is raising by introducing issues vital to the different dimensions represented by his ‘self-propelling, burgeoning swarm of enthusiasts’. And, no, I’m not going to attack Charlie for using the word ‘swarm’ but I would invite him to deeper reflection, given its present use by government to dehumanise refugees and migrants. None of us are perfect and Charlie is as entitled to redemption for his 50% fuck-ups as I am for mine. To separate ourselves from contemporary tyrannical demands for perfection is the first step on the road to the politics of kindness.

I am drawn to Corbyn because he represents the qualities I both value and need most (remembering that Jeremy also has a 50% entitlement to fuck-ups too). It is his commitment to kindness, compassion and dialogue that calls to me ~ that someone at the top of our social food-chain can and does listen to folk like me matters. It matters a very great deal. It means I’m human, capable of relationship and a custodian of positive qualities as well as negative ones. That there is human space in Charlie’s perception for us ‘swarm’ matters too because it speaks to the question of balanced debate within the Labour Party.

And UR angry about benefit fraudCharlie, by his own definition, represents Labour’s right wing. This is not surprising. His biography of social roles fits well with right-wing policies. He ‘is director of Polis, in the department of media and communications at the London School of Economics. He has 20 years of experience with LWT, BBC and ITN’s Channel 4 News. He broadcasts and writes regularly on media and political affairs and is the author of SuperMedia: Saving Journalism So It Can Save The World (Blackwell, 2008).’ He is privileged to be a white man in a social narrative that favours white men. It is inevitable that this will inform his perceptions just as being a white woman inform mine. This is not politics, it’s the reality of being human and is worthy of mention because other narratives exist based on the experiences of those who do not ‘enjoy’ the privilege of being white. In matters of inclusion, all narratives matter.

Apart from my white privilege, however, I live at the polar opposite of Charlie’s social position. The only directorship I hold is over my internal life which, if not directed wisely, has the ability to sabotage my best intentions. My criminal history bears witness to this. I tick all the boxes for social exclusion by being too ill to work, poor and dependent upon social security. I left school at 16 with an O level and although, later, I studied, qualified and was accredited as a Gestalt psychotherapist, the training I completed was never recognised or respected by socially-accepted professionals. Indeed, these days I am someone ‘not to be talked about‘. Whilst all this maybe politics, I mention it only to establish my ‘qualifications’ at the other end of the polarity created within Labour by the Corbyn debate.

Charlie clearly ‘belongs’; I, clearly, do not. Charlie is a member of Labour; I’m someone Labour is more than likely to reject if only I gave them the opportunity to do so. Nevertheless, even with all this distance between us, Charlie wants to understand more about my/our perspective and I am willing to respond to those genuinely interested in listening. This is the politics of kindness between people of difference; but this blog is about more than just kindness. This blog is also about ethics and morality, and it goes way beyond any conversation between Charlie and me.

Kindness createsTo talk about kindness, compassion or love in our current political climate is to invite mockery, disdain and accusations of weakness from many who occupy the right-wing of any political party. Were Charlie to step outside current socially-accepted political narratives, he too might experience a (gentler) version of the same. We need only look to right-wing Labour’s response to the ‘Corbyn phenomenon’ for deeply painful unkind examples of how folk at my end of this polarity are treated. If we protest, we are subjected to the most appalling responses. We are regarded as irrelevant, our concerns discounted, our lifestyles disparaged and our worth to social discourse dismissed.  Leaving kindness aside for the moment, I believe it is important to ask: is this ethical/moral?

Labour grassrootsFor the record, I am not the only one raising matters of ethics. They are being raised by those on the right of the political spectrum as well as those of us on the left. For example:

A Tory MP is challenging her own party’s approach to social security recipients on ethical grounds.

A Tory journalist is challenging the ethics of contemporary mainstream journalism.

Lawyers are challenging the ethics of government changes to legal aid and the justice system.

And when the Telegraph carries this kind of piece, precariats of my persuasion might reasonably ask right-wing Labour of Charlie’s persuasion, ‘Where are ethics and morals in your narrative?’ followed by ‘Why are they missing?‘ And if Charlie, and all well-meaning folk like Charlie, understand the points I am raising here, is it fair to ask what you each intend to do about it?

Folk Disability attacklike me are forced to deal with these problems on a day-to-day basis. It’s not me who is on the front line at present (although I’m ‘scheduled’ for ‘treatment’ in the not so distant future, given I’m on ESA) but those who are dying. Literally.

Where is right-wing morality in this?

Charlie, where do I belong in the Labour Party right-wing; those who vilify, disparage, dismiss or generally devalue all those like me who find hope in Corbyn’s narrative ~ flawed as it must be because we are human? And is that such an unreasonable question to ask?

You say we excite you. I say we’re exciting because we represent Life in the face of those who would only deliver us to death. I know, because I’m one of those who is dying.

Would you miss me if I died?

I’m not the only one.

Remember this is a white-to-white conversation.

How many other colours of our human rainbow are trapped within lethal, white right-wing narratives too?

Who else would the right-wing of the Labour Party consign to existential oblivion too…. and where did you earn the ‘right’ to do that to anyone?

And thank you, Charlie, for unlocking my silence – it is not possible express my gratitude in words.

Crazy ones

(This is a deeply imperfect blog… because it’s supposed to be if we’re human. Human beings are always a work-in-progress in my reality & this level of communication has only just been unlocked on this level of the Game of Life.)