Danger of Miracles: Letter to my Friend-In-Grief


My Beloved Red,


First, I must apologise. After your last message, I circulated our lasses and asked them to include you in any healing prayers. Forgot to ask your permission… I’m sorry. It was one of those instinctive moves that I have to adjust afterwards. I’ve asked my helpers/Allies to simply surround you with the energy, so it’s there if you choose it – otherwise, just ask them to take it wherever it’s most needed. When I’m not sure whether to accept it (as a recipient), I ask them to give me what I need and pass the surplus on…

Anyway, it’s there if you need it.

Grief is an odd criatura for me. When a beloved dies, my body aches from not being able to hold or touch. I understand what you’re saying… and agree with you but I have so much Scorpionic Water in my birthchart/Life that I can never resist the temptation to dive deep and find out what’s there. My body aches because my Moon is in the Earth sign of Taurus (though is Aquarian/Piscean in action). It’s almost as if the Love we shared embodied has found a home in the cells of my own body, and the loss of embodied touch rips each cell in two, leaving only Spirit where a body had been before. And it hurts – why shouldn’t it? It hurts like crazy.

Since my father died, in 1997, I have never been the same. The relationship was just too close – too deep – that it seemed I had to experience every single ripping of energy from my body. It’s like tearing a Vesica Piscis in two. It’s how I learned to deep sea dive into my emotions. What I found there led me to act on my desire to explore shamanism – it was as if I had to learn how to find him again. Somewhere where we could speak to each other with the Love I found swirling thickly in my deepest oceans of grief. I found him, my father, in the early days of my Otherworld journeys – the transforming ones – and there was something missing, as there always is in the old tales. The tales that warn of the dangers of bringing someone back from the dead. I was trying to drag him from the Elysian Fields, where everything is beautiful into the limited realities of ours. I haven’t seen him since but I wish him well and can sense his presence around me now, as I write this to you.

There is a terrible beauty in Grief. There’s the wound that never heals. Every new grief is added to the last so that when the tsunami strikes, the wave is higher than before. But, you know, I wouldn’t change a drop of it – not a single drop. If there is pain, bring it on – as much of it as you have – because if I can feel it… really feel it, down to each gene, atom, particle, ether… then that is the measure of my Love. This is how to measure Love.

When my father died and I went in search of him, what I found was my Father, the Creator Spirit, who is made of the same stuff as my Dad. Everything I meet or encounter; everything I experience; everything I see or hear or taste or smell or feel in my Otherworld is my Father – my SpiritFather. The deeper I dive into my Otherworld, the greater He becomes and the more I meet Him, embodied, in my real life. He is everywhere, deep inside the Feminine who weeps Her Grief at the misunderstandings we have about our Creator.

But you know, the only people who can hear this Voice – who have this Knowledge – are those who grieve. There is no other way to come to this place I now find myself in… where you now find yourself in. This is why my teachings have been slightly incorrect because I’ve been saying you can’t evolve without pain. Actually, the Truth is we can’t evolve without Grief… and this is why you have been put through your recent experiences. With all that Catholicism, you are something of a hard nut to crack open. That’s why Dahnu, Igor and Truck needed to leave – they were your embodied Power Allies. Now they are going to lead you through the pain into your Otherworld. Believe me, God is NOTHING like we’ve been taught. Your killer goose wants to be your Thanksgiving dinner because, when you accept his LoveGift he will nourish you in ways your body needs.

Oh, and your new embodied Power Allies are on their way to find you. When we allow our feelings of grief, we shatter and grow. We become seeds of the past germinating in the present. The deep ocean depths of Grief – with their tides and hidden Life – are like good soil for the Spirit as She begins Her Manifestation. When we feel it – hold that ocean depth within us – She can connect to the Land and send Her Children to you, to teach you Her Majick. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Those who grieve are Sacred. We are Holy. And when we release those we Love into Transition, we set them free to Live as their Spirit chooses. They are the Spirits who ensure we encounter Love coming down our Path to meet us.

I’ve been driven by Grief since 1997. You know, my Dad died a fortnight after Diana and followed Mother Teresa into the SpiritWorld. He was in very good company. As an ordinary man, he needed to leave then. I was about to begin my heroine’s journey – it would have killed him to watch it. Better he left when he did, so My Father Who Art In Heaven could take over, with Our Great Mother leading the way. Personally, I think She’s a first class, high-flying Bitch – but I wouldn’t know what I know now without Her.

Oh, Red.  How could I have written this without you? Or Dahnu? Or Igor? Or Truck? Through your Love, I can Love them too. Through us – you and Lily, Jeni and Alixir – I ground my yearning for a network of Love around this planet…  Without you and the place you find yourself in now, how could I express how much I know, how much I have learned from the lessons of Grief? This is why we are unique; like snowflakes.

When I was in prison, I came across a proverb which I now know I need to correct: no single snowflake can ever be responsible for her part in an avalanche.

My dear sweet Red – my inspired angel and my friend – do you think this is why we’ve all been incarnated so far apart this time around? So that there is enough room for our SpiritSoul when we collapse the Iceberg of Suffering that has frozen us all into the dark warm womb-ocean waters of Grief?

My Otherworld is asking me to publish this… and I will. But I want you to know that this was written by me to you – whatever the Otherworld does with it is their business – and that I am honoured to call you Friend. My Old Friend. I’ve spent my whole life missing you – with whom else could I truly be myself, as I am now? Who else could have inspired this writing, if not for you? And my God sends his Love too. In fact, anyone who needs to hear that my God is Alive, that He Adores women and his Grief at our situation – no matter who we are or where we live on this earth – knows no bounds, then to the depths of my Woman-Being, I Swear that this is True. To whom can I say that every time we fall into Love with Nature around us, we are Loving Our Mother and She Loves us, uniquely and preciously, in Her Own Way, if not for you. You are a Bright Star in my Heaven – now become a cluster with Dahnu and Igor and Truck. I wonder what story you have to tell when you grow.

And to all those others who will read this, if I am True then every word written here will be True for you too, but in your own way – for you are a unique star cluster too. Every Grief we Honour by making Sacred becomes a Star in our Multiverse, for the Spirits freed by Death will fly your SpiritSoulHalf into new Dimensions. I don’t know how – that is your story, not mine. How do I know? Because I am Living my story even as I write.  I don’t know how it ends but you’re welcome to become a part of what is being Created now, if you choose to.

This is why our Star People had an ethic of non-interference – our Path to Enlightenment is through Grief. It’s the journey WithIn after travelling so long Without.

All my Love



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