Monthly Archives: May 2016

When Death comes calling…




I am Death



To those who’ve just arrived, this blog is a follow-on to ‘ESA50 and all that‘, so this forms part of my supporting  evidence.


At the moment, the ESA50 occupies space on my table. It’s like having some lethally toxic creature patiently waiting for me to try and fill it in because that’s when its poisonous narrative bites. I must explain myself, again, to a system that doesn’t want to hear my responses so much, it appears to give no fucks if their process kills me.  I will fill it in eventually but I need to record my experience first. If the DWP decision-maker needs as much information as possible, I’m all for giving it to them.


So, for the record, since my last post, my physiological system has gone into shock FOUR times. If I don’t lie down immediately, I pass out. Each time, it takes longer to recover. What energy levels I did have are now crashing. This is due to the fact that I have this ESA50 monstrosity contaminating my home with its noxious narratives and threatening to take it all from me, even down to my life itself. It’s impact is subliminal to limbic levels on my psyche and my existential ‘death’ alarm communicates itself through the psyche/soma connections. It can be measured in small ways too like, I have developed a cold sore – my first in so long, I can’t recall the last time I had one.


These are the symptoms I am reporting some four days after receiving the form. I do hope my Coroner, or some other socially-responsible adult, consults experts in relation to my claim the physiological/psychological response to the ESA50 puts my life in danger, given my existing diagnosis of progressive heart failure; that by the very sending of the form, the WCA process endangers my life and even if my decision-maker decided that my claim for ESA is genuine, I still have to go through all the collapses which that letter would trigger.


Einstein on changeOne last thing… at the moment, I get chest pains even thinking about going near that thing. That’s why I haven’t attempted to yet.





It’s at times like these, Death puts in an appearance in my Otherworld. For those who weren’t aware already, I’m been fully committed to my shamanic disciplines since 2001, having begun the path in 1999. It means I have active inner-dimensions within my imagination and they often come to assist me at times like these.


I like Death; he’s handsome all the way through with a wicked sense of humour. Over the years, when I’ve been on the edge of the suicide precipice, Death has shown up. He’s good company at such times. In the past, I’d ask ‘Is it time?’ and he’d reply ‘Not yet’. This time, he’s not saying… he says the matter is out of his hands. It is. My Goddess is involved. The DWP issued their death-wish monster right in the middle of my Goddess manifesting an impossible dream come true for a young woman on our planet. Tomorrow it will be true and my shamanic work would have been complete. Had the ESA50 come tomorrow, my Goddess’s direct involvement would have been over… but it didn’t, and it isn’t… and she is.


So, how do I express this? In my personal spiritual narrative, I am servant to my Goddess – a pair of human hands who can enable her will to manifest into Life. We had already spent six weeks working together to manifest an impossible dream for a young woman, and before it is quite complete, the Dark Side launches an existential killing curse at her servant. So, lasses, if your Otherworld contained a Goddess dealing with my situation, how would yours respond?


I have said as much as I am presently allowed to say about the dream-come-true Goddess work performed so far.  but it does inform my approach to the ESA50 monster in the present both on a personal level as well as extending to all those who would choose be included in a community that had me as one of its shaman.


As a shaman (a closer description for my faith than witch), my spiritual responsibility extends beyond the personal – we work to benefit of our community. In this situation, my immediate community are all those like me, facing their ESA50, all those subjected to WCA’s, all those who lost, all those who died, every single soul who fell through this toxic social so-called ‘net’. We are multitudes, herded into the arms of Death by the DWP ‘points system’ scapegoating narrative of in the name of austerity.


This Dark Side ‘sacrifice’ to their tyrant ‘god’ of money consists of a gluttonous feeding on the death, pain, misery and suffering of others. It’s eventual outcome is always complete annihilation of Life itself. The energy created is what permits them to reduce the worth of my existence to ‘points’ in order to move ‘stock’ off ESA… in any way they can, including cheating. It’s already killed thousands and now it’s killing me. This is its purpose.


So here I am, a shaman (by anthropological definition), now dealing with the Scapegoat ritual death-curse whilst in the middle of completing a dream-come-true level spiritwork. So what to do?


The way to break this curse is for the scapegoat marked for death to be willing. To die willingly to benefit of my own communities – the lost/exiled/rejected/abused? It’s that exact sacrifice which cleanses my ‘flock’ of its sins and returns them to innocence & makes the ritual work properly.  Since we all have to die sometime, what’s not to like about this way? My inner warrior says this is an honourable death.  In my Otherworld, it’s called an Obi-wan moment, that ‘if you kill me now I’ll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine’ and regarded as an opportunity no self-respecting community shaman worth their salt whilst in service to Love would fail to answer gladly, especially if my death were the result of an intent to kill. I believe that if the DWP decision-maker decides to refer me to a WCA, given already disclosed information about my health and mental health as a result of the ESA50, that would prove intent to kill. Where my blogs allow me to speak from the grave? What a way to go! For all those reasons, I am willing. And, No, I don’t rule out miracles – when my Goddess is involved, there are always miracles but I’ve learned to trust. If my death is necessary, then I die with a glad heart and walk away into the sunset with my beautiful friend Death. We both knew it would come to this someday.


thumbs downI’ll face down their form and complete it… and this blog will be attached, for my decision-maker’s attention, with love from my Goddess and Death.


I wonder how it feels to have the power of life or death over another human being… as a routine part of your job.


Perhaps you forgot? I hope you’re competent and actually read these additional submissions with my ESA50, so I can gently remind you that it is my life or death you are deciding upon now… provided I’m still alive by the time it comes to you making your decision about my claim for ESA.


Which way will your thumb turn, I wonder?


Please be careful when you decide, for I would argue to a Coroner that the actions of the poor unfortunate decision-maker who sent me to my death-by-WCA point to a blatant disregard for my health and mental health, especially in the light of supporting evidence provided.


I feel for you. I really wouldn’t want to be in your position, especially not when facing down a dying shaman in the middle of her life-death-life ritual.


There will be more to come. This is all I can cope with at the moment.


Self talk



#ESA50 and all that



Bring forth what is within you Thomas Gospel


I received my latest ESA50 in the post yesterday. It’s about my seventh or eighth Work Capability Assessment and I know how it will work because the Department of Work & Pensions (DWP) do the same thing every time. Here’s how I recorded it’s impact on me last time around:

Forward Planning

#Atos and the Day of Judgment

#Atos: Even when I win, I still feel guilty


Every time, it’s the same. I don’t ‘score’ in their points system. Why? Because the narrative of their system has no room for people like me. I don’t exist so it fails to recognise me ~ nil points. Every single time. And every single time I’ve taken my case to tribunal level, the judicial decision was to exempt me from having to score points. That was when it was possible for someone like me to get to a tribunal ~ the Tories have made it all but impossible to get there now, and if I were to arrive I’d have to listen to some DWP representative explaining to the panel how I was actually fit for work. Basically, calling me a liar… again… using a system that is designed for me to fail.  It’s enough to break an honest heart which, given my progressive heart disease, looks like it might oblige the DWP by breaking for good this time around.



The DWP’s repeating narrative, delivered by the WCA and heralded by the arrival of the ESA50 form, this time from Maximus, that I am somehow dishonest in my claim for ESA and must be subjected to repeated checking I experience as an all-out assault on my very existence. Everything my current life depends on for its continuance is placed at risk and the worst case scenarios speak in terms of my destitution, death or both. This same system has repeatedly placed me in this scenario. These days, I experience the arrival of the ESA50 as a personal death threat from a system intent on carrying it out by hook or by crook. It triggers my complex post-traumatic stress disorder, I go into shock, my psyche shatters and my fight-flight-freeze physiological response is triggered.  Guess what that does to my blood pressure and then guess what effect it might have on a woman with progressive heart disease. This is not rocket science… it’s common sense.



Alan Rickman on human need for storiesThousands of people are affected by the arrival of an ESA50 in exactly the same kind of way as me.  We fall apart inside because we’re being faced with our whole world falling apart. We’re being threatened by a merciless system implementing a soul-destroying narrative to those of us already sick and/or disabled. The narrative repeats itself over and over, as if only through repetition can it force lies into ‘truth’. Each time, the process is harder, more threatening. And when people like us say to anyone who will listen, “This is killing us”; when research points in the direction of the real truth; when the United Nations starts investigating ‘alleged’ government violations of our human rights; how do the DWP respond?


They deny there’s a connection between what they are doing and the fact that, by sending me yet another ESA50, they are putting my life at direct risk. They’ve been denying it for years, even as the death toll they won’t fully release under FOI rules keeps rising and the research evidence against their claim of no connection has piled higher.



I am presented with a lose/lose scenario. Engage with the DWP narrative = destitution/death; tell DWP to go fuck itself = destitution/death. My living worth measured by a series of ‘points’ that don’t recognise my existence…? My living reality routinely denied by the very perpetrator’s violating my human right to existence, let alone my right to life?


Anyone down here on the receiving end of this DWP WCA narrative like how this story is being told?


Since I’m caught in web of the ESA50 process anyway, and I don’t like the way the DWP denies the link between the WCA and claimant deaths – I’m saying publicly that I believe this process will kill me and I also believe that is its ultimate intention. Since I don’t know when death will occur, while I live, I will go through the process of completing the ESA50 and share what my experience is like. This blog,  for example,  will be submitted as supporting evidence of a deterioration in my mental health likely to impact on my existing diagnosis of progressive heart disease as part of my additional evidence  with the duly completed form.  Copies of which will be provided to my GP, so he . When I say the WCA puts my life at risk, I want it recorded in my ESA50.


There is, however, one change I make to this narrative. Any personal expressions of mental anguish shared by blog or tweet are directed to my Coroner. If my own assessment of my health is accurate, there’s presently a 95% chance I’ll be a home alone death, which triggers a legal process to determine cause of death. I’m saying the additional stress caused by the arrival of the ESA50 is lethal to me and I’d like the specific link between the WCA process and my death to be fully examined by a Coroner. If Scotland can consider criminal prosecutions against Iain Duncan Smith and Chris Grayling with regard to their. If I’m going to die, then I’d like prove the DWP is lying when it says there’s no link between my death and their system. I’d also hope my Coroner would hear evidence resulting from other deaths linked to the WCA because this would point to intent. I’m saying there is an underlying intent to cause death to ‘stock’ considered ‘economically unviable’. A competent Coroner would not be able to come a full and considered opinion without considering any pattern of evidence beyond simply that of my own.


I hope my shift in narrative helps focus the attention of the unfortunate DWP decision-maker in my case if they’re competent, they’ll have read this far… . To them I would say this:


If I’m still alive when you read this as part of my ESA50 supporting evidence, I hope you understand I’m drawing a line in the sand. If you decide that proceeding to a WCA is necessary in my case, and where my GP will continue to support my contention that it will put my life at risk, I will argue that your action points to intent to cause me lethal levels of harm. I’d remind you that your previous WCA provider, Atos, chose to cancel my TWO WCA appointments for this very reason and my diagnosis has deteriorated further since the last time I filled in one of your forms. There’s a reason its called progressive heart disease… because it progresses… and it progresses MUCH faster when I am forced into systems I experience as a threat to my life. That’s why proceeding to a WCA endangers my life further over and the increased risk caused by the arrival of the ESA50.


If you, as my ‘decision-make’ choose to require me to attend a WCA,  given what I’ve already told you so far, how do you imagine a Coroner might view your decision?


I probably sound crazy. I hope I do – this process sends me into crazy land and unless I show you, decision-maker, what receiving the ESA50 is doing to me, how can you come to an informed decision.


What is certain, however, is that whatever you decide, your decision will say far more about you as a human being than it could ever say about me.


There’s many more PTSD responses I need to unpack but, for now, I need to stop… and post this.


What is reality


Related links:

I Thought About Quitting… by Kameron Hurley