Category Archives: Twisted Hair Story

Desistance and the Path of Blame

Standard

 

A Female Whirling Dervish In Capadocia by RicardMN Photography

A Female Whirling Dervish In Capadocia
by RicardMN Photography

 

Hazrat Alim Azimi made me irritated, which caused me to examine my irritation, to trace its source. Alim Azimi made me angry, so that I could feel and transform my anger. Alim Azimi allowed himself to be attacked, so that people could see the bestiality of his attackers and not join with them. He showed us the strange, so that the strange became commonplace and we could realise what it really is.

Idries Shah: “The Dermis Probe”

Some forty years ago, when I was learning how to use my intellect, a woman friend told me I thought backwards. It’s a very strange thing to hear when we’re only nineteen and I’m grateful she elaborated on her opinion. She said that when a question is asked, I appeared to know the answer in an instant but I had to think backwards to the question to find out how I got there. In the intervening years, her insight has served me well because it is quite true and describes my intuitive experience of being Sagittarian.

Some years later, when I was learning to become a psychotherapist, I discovered there was another way to gain knowledge and understanding. Mostly, in contemporary society, learning is thought to come from without, to be ‘taken-in’ by the mind – our ‘upside-down’ education system is a very good example of this model. However, I was learning the language of the emotions. In this model, it is the feeling that arrives first, thought comes afterwards. It is only once we have explored these feelings that the knowledge and wisdom contained within them makes itself understood to the mind. In ordinary life, more often than not, emerging feelings are judged as mad, bad and dangerous by minds afraid of learning from the unknown, yet the lessons gained are worth every discomfort. I can attest to the truth of this wisdom because it well describes my Water-ruled birthchart.

The last lesson I learned, when starting out on my shamanic path, was to trust the promptings of my heart in any given situation and act on them, no matter how mad, bad or dangerous those actions might appear to be to either myself or others. What I discovered, when I did this, was that the spiritual wisdom suffusing my actions came later. It’s a very slow way of learning – this experiential path – but once the lesson is learned it becomes a part of me that I can trust deeply in any future situation. This methodology is described by my Moon in Taurus on 11th/12th house cusp.

In a world where many do not understand these processes, these lessons helped me realise that I have always educated myself this way. My thoughts, feelings and deeds have nearly always got me into trouble in one way or another. I suspect that it was only as a result of being with people who, in their own way, understood me that I didn’t wind up in prison sooner. With my backwards, downside-up, experiential, feminine personal reality dwelling within a forwards, upside-down masculine world insisting that I fit into its ideas of me, becoming ‘criminal’ seems almost inevitable. I am reminded of Faith Whittlesea’s remark: “Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.”

It was whilst in prison that I discovered there was a ‘school’ of spiritual wisdom that used a similar technique which could also explain my actions. It comes from the Sufi and is called “The Malamati Technique“. This is how Idries Shah describes it in his book, “The Dermis Probe”:

  • to allow oneself to be attacked to dramatise the situation.
  • to incur reproach to illustrate its absurdity, or the shallowness of the attacker, or the superficiality of the assumptions of the audience
  • to incur blame for a higher purpose.

I am not Sufi and this blog is not a Sufi teaching. I am a contemporary, white-western-cultured shaman who is walking my own path and, needs must, am dependent upon existing spiritual world knowledge to correct my mistakes. This shaman deeply grateful to Sufism for sharing their wisdom because the understanding I have drawn from their lessons has proven to be a reliable anchor during storms at sea. My deep gratitude, too, to the Sufis who thought to share this wisdom freely with prisoners by placing it in prison libraries.The following is an example of how I put my understanding into practice:-

 

Recently, I was asked to help in a difficult situation and engaged the Malamati Technique in order to deal with the behaviour of this man. I was seeking to elicit the upside-down ideas pertaining to a deeply emotional situation and I gather the twitter results were as informative as I had hoped for. Having been supported to work through some the feelings I was expressing in order to understand them (downside-up learning), I am better able to return to this lesson in desistance and perhaps take it to its next stage. But first, it is important for me to reflect upon my actions so far.

 

If I view my blogpost “Attitudes towards Women in the Criminal Justice System” from the upside-down view, I probably look like a crazy, emotionally-manipulative female whining about something only real men understand. The judgment will be made about the ‘sorry-for-myself’ complaints and it is likely the suicidal ideation will be seen as a made-up story that does not hold any truth to it. “People who don’t know you may get the wrong impression” said some feedback, which was filed under ‘extremely useful’, alongside the implied threat of libel. I can live with this because the conclusions are based on a false premise. It’s false because there were some things I chose to leave out of the blog at the time. These were excluded because I was concerned that my actual confrontation might be harmful to innocent others and I wanted to make sure that those responsible for public protection were aware of the problem. As a desister, I have a social responsibility to ensure that my actions are not harmful to witnesses and we were already in a harmful situation. In addition, those who believe my suicidal ideations are manipulative need to take a look at my deeper reasons because these are not as they first appear either.

 

 

This blog is a lesson in desistance. True desistance is transparent. We don’t hide anything we do unless there is good reason, yet there comes a time when we must come clean. So here is the unedited exchange of tweets between @Prison_Screw and myself.

 

FireShot Screen Capture #074 - 'Twitter _ Prison_Screw_ @wildwalkerwoman hello my twitter ___' - twitter_com_Prison_Screw_status_372487098898857984

There is always a very grave danger in thinking our personal beliefs about ourselves or others is accurate. Unless we test our beliefs for veracity, they can sometimes come back to bite us.

To make us invisible for, to the man of the world, ‘visibility’ means that you are looking like something or someone he expects you to resemble. If you look different, your true nature becomes invisible to him.”

                                                               Idries Shah: “The Dermis Probe”

To understand desistance is to understand that there are some behaviours a true desister simply does not do – it’s an essence that belongs to the decision to desist, no matter how imperfect that individual might be. To be a desister is to trust that ours is always going to be backwards, downside-up and experiental world because it’s the only way we learn about compassion, mercy, kindness, humility and the need, on occasions, to put ourselves in danger for the sake and safety of endangered others.

If my reading of this man is correct, the information in this blog-post will be new to him, so his reaction will be fresh. What he does is of no interest to me whatsoever – this is about teaching the essence of desistance. For those who wish to observe, it is important to remember that this particular confrontation occurred several days ago in my reality. Although I’m not certain how my heart might react (my physical body seems fully aware of the danger given the number of times I’m having to use the Glyceril Trinitrate spray for my heart pains), my emotional responses are well worked through and my intuition says that if the Spirit I Serve wants me to stay alive, I will. Issues of life and death belong to ‘God’ – my issue is how I live the life I have and this seems to be as good a reason to die as any I’ve come across so far. Desisters learn from their knowledge and experience and I’m clearly still on my own path to learning, as well as taking up my responsibilities as a teacher of desistance. Let the avenues of learning unfold as they may.

For those wishing to observer, consider the following question: how well is this man practicing his knowledge of peace and reconciliation.

The transformation of Gunn – nicknamed Ben many years ago when he had a long beard – to a balding, middle-aged man has been captured in a portrait recently drawn by a fellow prisoner and sent out in the mail. The scholarly air is heightened by a short beard and Gandhi-style glasses. No surprise, then, to hear that he has used his time in prison to gain a BSc (Hons) and a master’s degree in peace and reconciliation. Gunn’s dedication to the cause of peace stems, he says, from the need to explore “why I had done the terrible thing that brought me to prison, and to repair the parts of my personality that had clearly broken down”. His soft vocal tones still carry a hint of his Welsh upbringing.

                                                                Eric Allison – 2009

“We may think we are wise, but nothing can be put into a full pot”: Saadi

BRYvzp9CMAAVcyQ

Women’s Solidarity is Multi-coloured: Why #Solidarityisforwhitewomen is wrong

Standard

 

BRhpBFdCQAIFFSV

 

 

Dear Sisters of the #Solidarityisforwhitewomen hashtag,

When I wake up to how I have been silenced – again – I tend to get a bit touchy when others start trying to do the same thing to me. It’s the same if we’ve been abused – in whatever form that abuse takes – remembering that abuse affects us all. There are abusers in every human culture – it’s an equal opportunity problem. In my own experience, there comes a point where some forms of abuse become completely intolerable and I run the danger of behaving very badly. I’m at that point now. I’ve had enough of it. From the looks of it, so have you. I ‘get’ how you must be feeling because my own seem similar. The only difference between us is that I may have more experience in dealing with such feelings than you have. Here’s why.

 

BRVocprCUAAIVRNSpending seventeen years in psychotherapy, three months in a psychiatric unit and nearly five years in prison has a way of leaving me rather ‘sensitive’ to being told who I am. I am a white woman, I am feminist and I tell you this, YOU WILL NOT DEFINE THE COLOURS OF MY SOLIDARITY.

 

You will not tell me who I am or what I am when you know nothing of me. I don’t know where you got your definition of solidarity from but it looks nothing like the one I have lived. I may not have lived my solidarity out where you could see it but it will be recorded in what I did in prison. When my Sisters of Colour needed help, I gave it. If there were problems of bigotry and prejudice – when I was there and could act – I did something about it, even if all that was left was to be a solace and friend in hard times. On those occasions where I appeared to do nothing, that’s because  I was respecting my Sisters’ boundaries. I know it’s true because I lived it. It’s what Sisters of Colours do in those situations: I DON’T CARE WHAT FUCKING COLOUR WE ARE – I CARE ABOUT HOW WE BEHAVE TO EACH OTHER!

 

*takes deep breath and counts to ten*

 

BRYvzp9CMAAVcyQYou ‘youngsters’ are about to make the same mistakes my own generation made. If you do, we are doomed to repeat them. Please stop and think for a minute.

 

If I’m treading on sensitive ground for you and it hurts a bit, then I apologise for that in advance but take a look at where you are on mine. I’m not hurling all my ancestors at you either (yet) – I’m simply talking to you as one human being to another. I am on the edge of an Abyss with you and I’d rather you didn’t fall in, unless you insist. In fact, I’m hoping I can help you climb out but you’re going to have to take that projection you seem to have about white women off me first please.

 

There is a Spirit Rule in Albion (this is where my ancestors square up to your ancestors) that when we point a finger of blame at others, three fingers point back at us. This is a useful tool to have in our awareness because it makes us careful about that we accuse others of being. There is ALWAYS a truth in a psychological projectionotherwise it doesn’t work. To break a projection, however, needs a human being – I’m volunteering in this instance because I won’t stand by and let you make the mistakes we made if talking back to you will stop it. The human race can’t afford such acting out anymore and this kind of unconscious mob-think needs to stop.

 

BQ0scBdCUAAiIrXNo, white women aren’t perfect. We’re not supposed to be. With all due respect, you’re not perfect either. White women have their place in this Medicine Wheel, whether other Sisters of Colours like it or not. This means that my Voice as an Elder has an equal right to be heard as that of Youth! I wish no harm to your fury and rage – that is to be honoured, respected and heard. What I am asking is that you adjust your target. I am not your enemy. Whilst you shoot your bullets at me, your true foe steals your goodness from you. No-one is supposed to be perfect and anyone who claims they are is a problem. That applies across all cultures. Healthy people understand respect, whatever shape, colour, spirit or culture their Spirit inhabits. That’s how I know that Solidarity is not just the property of white women. Solidarity belongs to the Medicine Wheel – She is all-colours.

 

You complain that I know nothing of your non-White experiences but fail to explain how I might correct the problem. How I’m supposed to learn how to do that? Live your life for you? This is not a reasonable demand and I reject it. Only you can live your lives and, from what I can see, you are our future. You are young. You have yet to learn than life has limitations; one of them being that we only get to live the life we are given. As a shaman, I believe that we earn bonus points for good behaviour BQrElk1CEAAvqOjin the Spirit World. The only bonus points we get from bad behaviour come when we learn the lesson and grow up into adults. Growing up is simply part of human experience. So you didn’t get what you wanted from white women and you never will. What you want is not possible in my reality. What I can tell you is that the neo-feminism you describe – which most certainly does exist and is only useful for tab papers in prison – does not apply to us all. I tend to the opinion that if we can’t explain ourselves in simple language, we still don’t know our subject well enough. I believe the women you describe speak only of theory. The feminism I know is the one I have lived as impeccably as it is possible for one individual woman to be, whatever colour she might be.

 

This is what I have learned that might help each and every one of you make up your own remarkable minds. The future is always bigger than the past. What my own generation had to learn seems to be instinctive in you. When I explored feminism I learned from all Sisters who used the same resonance of meaning. When I read outside my colour and culture, I found there were some things I couldn’t hear. Each time I listened, I learned more. I know there are words, spoken and written, that can only be understood within your own experience. The same is true for all of us – no-one gets to live our lives but us. Some experiences cannot even be spoken of. This is true for all of us. We are the sum – or gestalt – of our heritage, relationships and experience. In encounters like the hashtag, we offer certain fragments of ourselves. What aspects of your own self did you consign to the solidarity of white women alone? I saw bitterness, abuse, hurt, betrayal, abuse and envy in many of the tweets. This is good because it is the beginning of wisdom. I also saw erupting fury, biting wit and outrageous passion too. This is wonderful for this is creativity in action. Both Shadow and Light erupt into being and we acquire the ability to make new choices. Somehow, old chains cannot restrain the Spirit of Women anymore.

 

This choice of hashtag is both an error and a catalyst for learning, in my opinion. There are clearly some major issues to be re-understood between us but you may not use your collective power to abuse my white sisters solely on the grounds of bigotry. My true white feminist sisters refuse bigotry as stoutly as I do. We need you to make room in your imagination for women such as me, so we can actually function on our own terms in your experience. We always start with respect for difference, so it’s time everyone else checked their own privileges too. How free am BQrQcCxCEAAGKd6I to walk in your reality on my own terms, provided I walk with respect?

 

This is not about who you are. Who you are is a mystery on the point of unfurling. This is simply about your behaviour. We women have a massive problem in the world coming at us from every direction. Now is not the time for competition about who is valuable and who is not. Now is the time for discovering each other again and what new information your erupting generation is bringing to Women’s evolution. We can’t learn that if you’re busy dismembering colours from our Medicine Shield.

 

I’m not telling you to listen to me. The leaders for this next step in our evolution are to be found with Red Women – these are the prophecies belonging to the Medicine Shield and this is the Wisdom I am guided to heed as Truth. There are hidden secrets in all Colours of Shield Woman’s Wisdom; Black, Red, Yellow and White women and it is our Solidarity that holds us together. It is our humanity that holds us apart so we can see ourselves more clearly. Each one of us is unique. We all hold Wisdom, whoever we are but we can only access that wisdom through our individuality and the care we take of our target when we join an erupting crowd.

 

BQrVJ32CYAAsAFjAll these lessons I teach I learned the hard way. It might look easy but don’t be fooled – the Wisdom of the Medicine Shield is hard earned. People who have honestly come by such wisdom shine with their own authenticity. We know what it is to be both harmed and harmful. What we learn is simple: to treat others the way we would wish to be treated, until such time as one, or other, of us realises the person we are dealing with refuses to learn. It is at this point we find out about the stuff we are truly made of – do we struggle to escape or do we succumb to sleep and numb ourselves off?

 

My Sisters, the face you were showing to white women with your hashtag is a very powerful one for waking people up. Applied in more imaginative and thoughtful ways, but with full awareness of your responsibilities to our future, the powers you wield could benefit humanity enormously but to do this competently requires that you learn from your mistakes.

 

I return your soul fragments to you. They don’t belong to me and are not mine to keep. They are your true source of deep wisdom but be careful because some have sharp edges. I do not need yours – I have my own which seems to be growing well given the experiences I now find myself in.

 

As a parting, and only for those who would choose it; I have placed a Blessing Gift of Love for you in my Otherworld. Just say the word ‘Yes’ to receive it. How it works, I don’t know but I hope it gives us what we all are in most need of, in all individual realities: Love.

 

In Sisterhood and White Solidarity

 

Dee Wilde-Walker

 

2pxUx

Idle No More UK

Thanks to Julienne for this picture.

Thanks to Julienne for this picture.

Transformation: Entering the Void Point

Standard

BQrr8zOCQAEgftZ

Yesterday I faced my fears with courage and entered my latest Void Point with awareness. Whilst walking up to the ‘hole-in-the-wall’, I felt much the same way as I used to as a therapy client walking to my next ‘session’ knowing I’ve done something ‘wrong’. Anxiety doesn’t quite describe this experience but there’s something there that allows for hope. It’s the Uncertainty Principle of Schroedinger’s Cat.

Fritz Perl’s, one of the creators of Gestalt Therapy, used to say that fear is thirty seconds deep. Once that thirty seconds is over, it’s too late to go back. We’ve said the ‘unsayable’, done the ‘impossible’, the energy has started to roll and all that is left to us is to roll with it. Sometimes our worst fears come true and sometimes we get a different response from the universe. Yesterday, the universe gave me a fortnight’s ‘reprieve’ which led, after I had dealt with practical matters, to ‘collapse’. In mental health terms, it’s equivalent to post-traumatic shock. In shamanic terms, I call it Soul Shattering – which is what happens when we go into shock.

On the other side of the Veil of the Void Point, we are similar to hermit crabs transitioning from a too-small shell into a too-big shell we can grow into. The passage between the two is one of excruitating vulnerability. I simply cannot bear ‘old’ behaviour anymore. This is what I have already chosen to leave behind me and the experience of shattering means that I have already moved on. We find ourselves saying or doing things we had previously thought but stopped ourselves from doing. In my case, it was erupting at the behaviour of a neighbour’s child who had just kicked a ball very close to my head whilst I was talking to his father. I couldn’t take anymore and so, today, both my doors and curtains are closed. The world outside has its ‘right’ to be there on its own terms, but I do too. For now, I need to be private – I need to find out more about this new dimension I find myself in.

BQRn0hcCAAI42_WWhenever we move dimensions, the ‘rules of manifestation’ change. This notion is not so strange – the ‘laws’ of physics change when we move into quantum realms too. What a shaman (a ‘transdimensional’ traveller with plenty of air-miles) comes to discover, if they take the trouble to explore the dimensions of experience they find themselves in, is that there are pathways through if you know what to look for.

The path through the experience of the Soul’s shattering is called the Good Red Road amongst the First Peoples of Turtle Island for it is this that creates our portal of opportunity. The portal of opportunity becomes our living path through this new ‘world’.

The other side of the ‘Veil’ is always bigger than the dimension we are leaving. C.S. Lewis described the Spirit of Narnia, at the very end of that series, as being like an onion in which every layer inwards was greater than its predecessor. This is a good metaphor. What also needs to be remembered is that each person’s experience of this process will be unique to them. No-one else can undertake your journey for you and we each get to define it for ourselves on our own terms. Crossing the Veil into the Void Point causes the Soul to shatter because we are growing and our Soul grows alongside us. The egg must be broken; the seed must crack; the babe must be birthed. However, when we enter – or are forced to enter – such a Void point without it ‘meaning’ something valuable to us, we run a far higher risk of mortal death. In my own case, it quite literally broke my heart. I hope to counter this lethal problem via this series of blogs.

Entering the Void is to be on unknown territory but if we believe in a beneficent Universe, then that will be what we create on the other side because our perception creates our reality. When our Soul – experienced as instinct and intuition – is in tune with our e-motions – experienced as feelings, these two aspects of self inform how we think which affects our behaviour. This is why “By their deeds shall ye know them” is a Law of the Spirit World, however you may perceive that to be. When our personal soul harmonises with our feelings, thoughts and actions, we attract others who harmonise at our vibration. The shamans I shared my first Void Point post with all commented on the resonance they experienced, so I’m trusting that my information is as accurate as one human can be on such matters.

Within the Void Point comes a shedding of the old. The egg no longer required the shell; the seed, the husk; or the babe, the safety of the womb. Nourishment comes from the environment and, in human dimensions, Soul nourishment comes from sharing ourselves with others. In my terms, I do this by making myself useful to my heart and trusting my instinct. Writing these blogs is a way of doing this – or initiating new conversations along pathways I can see that have a heartbeat of their own.

BP-8ouhCQAA2lSVWhat I’ve learned, from traversing many a Void Point in the past, is that if we are following the Good Red Road, as best as we are able under extremely testing circumstances, is that what we first allow ourselves to do on the other side marks our pathway back to manifestation. An Initiation such as this collective one so many of us are now finding ourselves in is both a journey into the unknown and a returning to the community with wisdom – it is the monomyth where we become heroic in our own realities. In the recent past, I crossed a Void Point and did this. In crossing this most recent Void Point, I see the potential of that work now being made manifest at a global level. More heroines and heroes are stepping into their destinies, it seems. There is an intuitive response occurring amongst many people that seems to match the deeps of my own experience of our Soul Mine.

If I’m at all correct about this, I believe that in-between the fragments of my shattered Soul – now reassembling into a great Gestalt of me than I was before – dwells the Resonance of the Great Spirit. This has been confirmed by synchronicities and serendipities too numerous to mention in my own reality. They also seem to be occurring in other peoples’ realities too. I have come to believe that all those who have crossed into Void Points in their own lives, and lived, can ‘hear’ this Resonance too in their own way and on their own terms. We are not ‘alone’ in this anymore – our numbers have now crossed a crucial tipping-point. What do we do now? Follow the Good Red Road; follow the Part with a Heart; follow your Passion. Trust that you are part of something far far greater than you could ever imagine and then trust that something with your Soul.

BQrxbuxCAAEMDNcOne thing I do when I cross into a new dimension is to try and make my perception of its dimensions a Mystery so I can grow as great as this Spirit Resonance needs me to be. My real life will continue to remain precarious simply because this is a collective transformation – if I want to make myself useful to this Spirit, I must accept where it sends me because this is what I need to learn.

Did you know the best way to learn is to teach whatever you want to know? These wisdoms and experiences I share with you belong in my reality but I am ‘connected’ to many others. I suspect that in our present social chaos, theorists might like to consider whether this Resonance I am experiencing qualifies as a Strange Attractor. If this is so, then it ought to satisfy the scientists and atheists amongst us. This attractor works through cooperation. This is about as great as I can get my imagination to stretch at the moment but, if shared and understood by many, we can grow this Wisdom and Awareness together.

As always, take what you need from this. What makes no sense to you belongs to someone else. I make no claim to be ‘right’ about any of this for anyone else – this is right for me, that’s all and I always make mistakes. Nevertheless, I am impressed with the evidence my reality is producing.

May the best woman win ;)

May the best woman win 😉

“Back to the Future”

Standard

 

Waterfall nebula

Waterfall Nebula

This blog begins with a complaint from the ‘future’ about the failures of the past. One of my social-media friends was tweeting his anger and frustration towards his elders – my generation who, from his perception, had used their lives to free-ride whilst bequeathing all our problems to them. As far as I know, it’s possible that every up-coming generation feels this way – I remember expressing the same anger and frustration when I was young. Now my situation is reversed and it becomes ‘my fault’ the world is now the way it is. I have a lot of empathy with that view and it was remembering my own anger that frequently prompted me to enter situations that, without it, I may have let pass me by.

There’s always been that nagging question when I’ve faced down problems or blockages I’ve found in myself or my environment; what do I say to the children when they ask me what I did to stop this occurring? I’ve always known what kind of answers I would give but, then, have always been faced with the actions I must take to ensure my responses are authentic because children deserve no less. Yesterday, my long-awaited ‘moment’ arrived and this blog is my reply.

BPfUms1CYAACjSk

Artwork by Memtitued

Without doubt, the youth of today have a very valid complaint about the state of the world we are bequeathing to them. To all intents and purposes, any benefits my generation of Baby Boomers enjoyed have now been swept away and our grandchildren are facing the same poverty as was faced by my grandparents. It is as if we – and the world – have come full circle. It is not surprising that the young would criticize my generation’s apparent laziness and selfishness – we were, after all, the ‘me generation’ – because it certainly looks that way from their vantage point.  I remember feeling the same kind of grievances when I levelled equally valid criticisms at my own elders. It seems almost as if I have been preparing for this moment all my life. So here is my own answer.

On a personal basis, I have never stopped challenging the inequalities and iniquities of the social systems of the West I was born into. I fought as a shop steward in my twenties; an educator and psychotherapist in my thirties and forties; and, now, as a shaman in my fifties. My battles have ranged from the intrapersonal (with myself), through the familial, interpersonal, political, social and spiritual – and this is what I have learned along the way.

BPdgnHYCUAAopefFirstly, the social problems we are facing as a global community, are an ancient system buried deep within the pysche of humanity. Within our human community, there are very few who have remained untouched by this system and that it has caused untold harm to all life on earth – of that there can be no doubt. But how to describe this ‘Long View’ I have discovered during my travels. I tell the story in this way.

People have always drawn their deepest wisdoms from our environment and, in the West, we translated some of that wisdom into the discipline of Astrology. The astrology I learned, when I was thirteen years old, worked as a map – or guide – to the internal experience of life as ‘known’ by a particular moment in time on Earth. The moment of ‘birth’. Both astrology and psychotherapy attracted my teenager because they represented my first awakening that my human experience could be understood and, if need be, changed – I didn’t know people knew such things until then and I was so hungry to learn because I knew I had real problems I needed to deal with.

Nevertheless, the pressure of the mundane world – making a living and doing all those ‘things’ I had been socialised to do – forced these studies onto the back burner. I didn’t really start unpacking these maps until my thirties when I entered therapy, eventually becoming one of my teenage ‘dreams’ – a psychotherapist. Therapy deepened my understanding of how the planets worked in astrology, but neither study gave me the answers I was looking for. Those didn’t arrive until I realised my other teenage ‘dream’ by becoming a shaman. I discovered that by directing my intention down our least colonized pathways, I was gifted with the ability to see a compassionate tale of our human evolution despite its terrible consequences and the appalling situation we all find ourselves in now. Let’s see if I know the story well enough to tell it to my young friend now, in response to his perfectly valid criticism of my generation.

Armenia’s Stonehenge

Long, long ages past, lost within human memory but ‘known’ still deep within our souls, our experience of Earth was as if we lived in Eden because we dwelt within our natural instincts. It’s not to say that death, injury, sorrow and pain were unknown – for they surely were; these experiences have formed a part of the Life-Death-Life cycles on Earth from the very beginning. The tales are writ deep in our Great Mother’s bones. We humans live our tiny lives alongside the much longer cycles of Great Mother, She who leads the Dance of Life-Death-Life.

The way the story was told to me was this. The last time Great Mother entered Her Great Dying, She released a Great Cry of agony and grief for the loss of all her beautiful children – the echoes of her grief are still told amongst humans to this day. To ease her grief, the Creator Spirit elected to teach some of her new children emerging from the ashes how to help heal Her Wounds and assist during the next Great Cycle of Dying and ReBirthing. Both Creator Spirit and Great Mother searched amid the ashes of her Great Dying and found the few remaining females who became all of our foremothers so long ago in Africa. Into these mothers, the Creator Spirit placed a catalyst which would eventually result in the human spirit as we know it today: the ability to think, to become ‘conscious’; to become self-aware in a whole new way.

It’s not that we were ‘unconscious’ before – we were naturally instinctive, responding to the energy streams of Great Mother as naturally as breathing – an integral part of Her Great Tapestry of Life. The catalyst that resulted in our capacity for independent thought has enabled us to grow into an understanding of this world around us – where we could shape this world to fit our needs in ways that weren’t possible before. Human civilisations emerged from this catalyst – this ability to think in new and different ways. But what was the catalyst itself? I was told it was this: Free Will.

Thus began the Great Cycle of Human Evolution. When we began our journey through the explorations of Free Will, we still lived close to our instincts and our Great Mother. Our societies were Mother-led but as Free Will worked it’s way through our consciousness, we discovered we had other choices and began to explore where these would take us. With each move we made away from Great Mother, so we ‘lost’ our innate connection to our instinctive selves and came closer to our intellectual capacities to understand the world around us. We moved from Mother-knowing to Father-understanding. With each move towards intellect, our capacity to create miracles like Stonehenge or the Pyramids dwindled and this also included our knowledge of the universe around  us.  For example; there was a time when we had known and understood our solar system and Her place in our universe but this knowledge became buried in our instincts where our minds could not reach. At the very height of our Great Separation from Great Mother, the White peoples knowledge was limited to only seven visible satellites around our Great Sun Mother/Father and, so foolish did this limited knowledge make us that we believed Great Mother was flat and that we were the centre of the universe around which all Creation circled.

envisat_karman_vortex_canarie_20100606_h1It was the catalyst of Free Will coupled with human ingenuity that created our way out of this terrible error in thinking. Humans began to be industrious in work and sciences – eschewing and dismissing old knowledge like astrology in favour of mind-based understanding. We developed learning that could test our knowledge of the world. In the 1770’s, the White peoples ‘discovered’ that there was more to reality than we realised. The discovery of Uranus not only changed perceptions of the solar system, the ‘energy’ of this planet enabled a collective shift in consciousness. This gave the ability of ordinary people to collectively change their world and gave rise to dreams of a better world than contained within earlier  limited thinking imposed upon us.

Cross-section of a Molecule

Cross-section of a Molecule

In the following centuries came more new ‘information’ which re-established conscious links between instinct and intellectual awareness with the rediscovery of Neptune and Pluto. These impacts caused further changes within collective human consciousness that resulted in, at its very best, human beings being able to show Great Mother Her Own Beauty and, it worst, the true meaning of genocide and holocaust.

Our instinctive knowledge is being returned to us now, just as we enter the Great Dying again. For those humans who remember the reason for our journey, at the beginning of the Great Cycle, the time we have been yearning for throughout this bitter and painful journey has arrived but, as with all Creation, we must let go of our past in order to move forward, with our Great Mother, into Her Future.

Neutrino tracks (copyright: Cern Laboratories)

Neutrino tracks
(copyright: Cern Laboratories)

This is where we stand today. We better understand Free Will;  our power of Choice and its consequences. Until now, true Free Choice has not been available to humanity as we worked through the consequences of our choosing. Collectively, we are already down the Road of Returning. In human terms, that path began over three hundred years ago for the Peoples of White Medicine. Returning does not mean to live past mistakes all over again, but to re-turn towards Great Mother and Her instinctive wisdom of Life gifted with the intellectual knowledge of how Creation occurs. This is what our Great Journey outwards has been about.

When Great Mother’s season moves on to Rebirth, those humans who keep choosing to Re-Turn to Her Ways will be Her Allies and Helpers. Learning how to do that wisely has been what this past adventure has been about.

And this was where my story-teller ended the Tale.

So, how does that influence what I might say to the younger generation, who are angry with mine for our irresponsibility and the mess we are leaving behind us.

QT7i8Firstly, I have seen some of this wisdom in action in my own life. As I look down the generations of women I am birthed from, both my mother and grandmother were born before Pluto’s discovery. Each, in their own way, carried the Planet’s transformational power but only on an unconscious level. In Astrological terms, this means that the access to deep transformation was blocked to them – they could only go so far and no further. As a young woman, I did not understand this and there was no-one who could explain it satisfactorily to me at the time. Perhaps now, as someone on the other end of the argument today, I might offer my version to see if it is yet satisfactory to our new ‘young’.

I am amongst the first generation who was born with the power to transform. Pluto was rediscovered when occupying the sign of Cancer – the transforming ‘Mother’. We notice the synchronicity of Mother issues – together with the highly destructive expression of ‘father’ issues within human society. The first generation to feel the full impact of Pluto upon our consciousness was my own. Pluto was in Leo – a perfect description of the ‘Me’ generation but it is also interesting in the message that seems to say ‘Before we can change the world, we must change ourselves.’ It might look like self-indulgence to those who face such enormous problems in their own future but our collective awareness didn’t finish expanding. Chiron was rediscovered in 1977 – I don’t have conscious awareness of this power unless I choose to go looking for it. For you youngsters, you were born with this gift.

BPdfJjyCUAAJb_mThe solar system I studied in Astrology some forty five years ago has altered beyond all recognition. It has become infinitely more complex. As young people, you will have access to knowledge and wisdom now that I cannot even conceive of, because I am now – like my mother and grandmother before me – a woman of my time. My conscious ability is limited in what I am able to do, not because I am stupid – far from it – but because I am wise enough to know my limitations. We are but leaves of one season on the Tree of Life – you are unfurling to your fullest abilities whilst I turn the colours of autumn and will soon nourish the Earth to nourish this Life we are a part of.

Your Elders are wise in experience but limited in their ability to see the Future because that is your skill. Your ‘limitations’ will be to deal with the consequences of our mistakes when we took a hand, not because we are the irresponsible generation but so you can see how we failed. If you look around you, you will see members of your own generation failing too. This is because we have all yet to deal with the original catalyst.

BPfOcz2CIAExCd7We all have to explore issues of Free Will ourselves and on our own terms. Humanity, as a whole, is slowly moving towards the consequences of the choices we have made – particularly in the West… what I call the White energies of the Medicine Shield. Astrologically speaking, each generation born now comes with a greater capacity for Free Will than before which means that some people have the potential to lead our White energy in our Re-Turn to Great Mother’s Medicine Shield. But we will have to leave behind our bad old ways. This cannot be done overnight. Neither yours nor my generation have that ability. All we can do is ‘grow’ ourselves towards it and our histories are like rings within the Tree of Life. Each generation is ‘bigger’ than the last. You may not feel it now but the generation behind you is already nipping at your heels, chivving you along, challenging you not to be the hypocrites you claim we are.

And your challenge… eventually? To stand in my shoes and give answer to the charge to from the young that your generation was irresponsible when you were caretakers for the planet.

To you, my young friend, my answer is that I have always done by best with what was available to me at the time. I won’t apologise for my mistakes because they taught me to be wise enough to answer you but I am sorry for them nonetheless. No human being would wish our current situation upon another. My generation were prevented from dealing with it but I know you will be able to do more than we could and I am still here to help. I haven’t stopped battling – once we learn how to exercise our Free Will for the sake of others, we know our true worth and we never give it up, no matter how much it might hurt us.

And the prize?

tumblr_lzjcjsGDXG1ro46rko1_500For me? Three times in my life I have had the chance to turn a dream into a reality. The first was political – I ran a trade union for a short while but I ‘failed’, so I turned inwards to find out if the problem was me. In doing so, I began to realise my second dream; to become a psychotherapist but I still didn’t find what I was looking for. My third dream was to become a woman of magic dedicated to healing. This was the most unattainable of all – the crazy notion of a 1950’s child of the ‘respectable’ Tory-London suburbs. Yet, this ‘dream’ is my life now and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else on earth, not only for loving it so much but also because it gave me the answers I share with you now. This is what Pluto in Leo taught my generation – the power of personal transformation. I have learned that for as long as someone uses that power for personal gain rather than collective benefit, the Peoples suffer. I have learned to pay close attention to quantum mechanics, Complexity theories and other sciences because they are revealing how my magic works. These are the gifts of my generation to yours – they are the baton in our evolutionary Re-Turn relay that will eventually create the Rainbow Nation.

In our times, we are the Rainbow Warriors – acknowledging our responsibilities; accepting our limitations; and yet still leaping into the Void in pursuit of our Peoples’ dreams.

Welcome to the world of Adults, young man. I offer unconditional Respect; for you are our Future and, as both Creator Spirit and Great Mother know, we need you now.

tumblr_m1enc3wHhs1qfr1oco1_r1_500

Thanks to Julienne for this picture.

Thanks to Julienne for this picture.

‘The Disability Extremist’: Choices and Consequences

Standard

BOju81tCIAIIWNP

Today I find myself back in the realm of making life or death decisions regarding myself. Last Saturday, on the return journey to our coach, I think I may have overdone it. Most of the villagers who attended the Durham Miners Gala suffered aches and stiffness the following day – including me – but the exhaustion has not worn off in my case. The sensations I am presently experiencing remind me of when my heart failed last November and, at the moment, I am undecided as to what action to take.

So, No; I haven’t been to see my GP; I haven’t reported it to anyone until now (by posting this blog); and, No, I have no immediate plans to anything about how I am feeling at the moment. Of all the ‘intellectual positions’ I am capable of taking, I suspect that this is the one that frightens people the most – particularly those who care for me. Nevertheless, I will not relinquish it because, for me, it is the position of greatest ‘power’ I can hold. It is a shaman’s position and I claim to be shamanic in my spiritual practices, so the issue ought to pop up sooner or later.

This blog focuses on this ‘power spot’ and the energies I believe flow in, around and through this ‘point of choice’ – do I choose to live or die? And why? How does anyone come to this point in their lives? This is my version – perhaps it might illuminate the path that so many others find themselves upon.

The Road to the Choice between Life and Death has been a very long one for me – it’s taken a good twelve years to dig itself into my psyche with the result that, now, I’ve become very familiar with the place. The roads leading to this choice spot can be many and varied, but they all have one thing in common: the choice they offer me is, as far as I am concerned, no choice at all and I prefer death than the ‘offer’ of ‘life’ being made to me.

BOesCKQCAAEJ888The Road to this current choice began here, continued here and is culminating now as I come round to completing the ESA50 that leads to my next Work Capability Assessment. I hope each post explains the detail of my situation, together with the facts that support it. The consequence of this is that either I accept the bigotted and proven lies of this coalition government about me – and if I refuse, then I will be subject to the kind of sanctions I regard as closely akin to psychological torture.

BNnuLRNCIAMcVT9

 

As far as I am concerned, these are moral and ethical matters pertaining to law. As a desister, I have to obey the law. This becomes far more difficult when the government of my country has embarked upon a wholesale undermining of Law in Britain and I find myself on the receiving end of its declared ideology.

 

 

On the Today programme (BBC Radio4) on July 15, this exchange occurred (JH is John Humphrys; IDS is Ian Duncan Smith; Secretary of State for Work & Pensions):

JH: “The problem is that you made claims about how things were changing on the basis of the trials that were being carried out and all the rest of it, and they turned out not to be well-founded. You said we’ve seen already, already you said, this is a statement you made in May, already we’ve seen 8,000 people who would have been affected by the cap move into jobs. But when the National Statistics Authority looked at that, they said ‘not true’.”

IDS: “No, what they said was that you can’t absolutely prove that those two things are connected.”

JH: “Your statement is unsupported by the official statistics published by your own department.”

IDS: “Yes but by the way, you can’t disprove what I said either. The reality is [interruption] no, no, no, let me finish. There’s an answer.”

JH: “You can make any claim on that basis.”

IDS: “I am, I believe that this to be right. I believe that we are already seeing people go back to work, who were not going to go back to work until they were assured of the cap. Look we just published some polling today, John, on this very group.”

JH: “Polling isn’t statistics.”

IDS: “Hold on let me just give you this. We polled and we found that something like 72% of those who report have been very infrequently in work in the past since being notified by the cap have gone back to work. I believe that this will show, as we go forward, that people who were not seeking work are now seeking work because that’s the way to avoid the cap.”

(link)

For anyone still in any doubt that these coalition-espoused policies are ideological rather than evidence-based, try this from Chris Grayling, The Lord Chancellor:

 

The minister also insisted that his proposals to cut legal aid for much of prison law were ‘ideologically’. In a striking exchange, the minister was pushed by Jeremy Corbyn, Labour MP for Islington North about the place of prison law in the legal aid scheme.

‘I suspect Mr Corbyn is very aware that there is an ideological difference between us on this,’ Grayling began. ‘I’m absolutely of the view that somebody in prison should have the right to legal aid when it is a matter relating to their sentence and the length of time they spend in prison. When it is any matter relating to the conditions in prison or the choice of prison in which they are detained, we have a prison complaints system and an ombudsman.’

Corbyn quoted the HM Inspectorate of Prisons stating the internal prisoner complaints system could not be ‘relied upon to consistently resolve prisoners’ complaints in a fair way’ and that there were ‘many examples’ where prisoners had been able to take the case to court through legal aid and achieve resolutions where the internal prison system failed.

Corbyn continued: ‘There might be an ideological difference, but you have a duty of care to ensure that prisoners are able to exercise their rights. You are trying to save £4 million on prison law. Is this ideological or practical?’

‘It is ideological,’ Grayling insisted. ‘I do not think prisoners should be able to go to court to debate which prison they sent to.’ Corbyn asked him about cases where prisoners claimed ill-treatment or suffered neglect to medical conditions. ‘I think these are matters for an ombudsman. What we are seeing is the area of prison law expanding dramatically. It has more than doubled in the last few years and, in my view, it now covers areas that it should not.’

(link)

 

I’m very grateful to all those interviewers who managed to coax these admissions from our government because at least everyone knows where they stand now. We are not dealing with people who based policy on evidence or facts, but upon ideology alone and I am already clear, in my own mind and after considering facts/evidence, exactly where this ideology intends to take us.

 

Returning to my own situation, these newly obtained comments are particularly informative. and contribute to my decision-making processes, which now goes something like this:-

 

I am clear in my own mind that my personal ethics, morals, faith and principles of desistance cannot allow me to collude with government ideology about me. I am also clear that my country’s government intends people to kill those who refuse to comply with their plans by resisting them. This presents me with a dilemma. Do I choose to preserve my own life in order that I might ‘live to fight another day’ or do I die in battle? The Honourable Warrior aspect in me says the latter is necessary at this point in time because the issue is still not being acknowledged by the wider British public. Until the public collectively decide that we prefer the rule of Law rather than the imposition of a psychotic (as in ‘unconnected with factual reality’) ideology, many more thousands of people are going to find themselves in my position but lacking the intelligence and resources I have been blessed with. If I have been so blessed, then I have a duty to speak my truth where others, for simply lack of authentic learning, cannot – it becomes my social responsibility to those more vulnerable than me. So who is it that deeply attracts and calls to my compassion – who needs my ‘blessing’ most? Those who are still half-asleep, or those who have already been marked for death?

 

"I know that people who hate have good reason to do so. But why should we always choose the cheapest and easiest way?" Etty Hillesum (B: 1914 D: 1943 in Auschwitz

“I know that people who hate have good reason to do so. But why should we always choose the cheapest and easiest way?”
Etty Hillesum
(B:15.01.1914 D: 30.11.1943 in Auschwitz)

 

When the peoples of Europe experienced the imposition of this kind of ideology, individuals responded in different ways. Some escaped in the ‘nick of time’;  some survived the concentration camps; some were sent to safety (<< this is my ‘uncle’); and some, even though they had the option to leave still chose to stay – and die – for their own reasons.

 

There is no doubting the value each and every survivor (above) contributed to the wisdom and culture of humanity following the demise of ideology and the rise of Human Rights. I could use their example as a template for my own behaviour now except they are all men and I am a woman. Etty Hillesum’s tale of personal and spiritual development in Amsterdam, during the Nazi-occupation of Holland, is the one that resonates with me most deeply at present.

 

I was a prisoner when I read her story for the first time as preparation for an ‘art’ display commemorating Holocaust Memorial Day. She led me to question many of my deeply held opinions as well as hone my ability to shine a light into the surrounding darkness.

 

 

I see no alternative: each of us must turn inward and destroy in himself all that he thinks he ought to destroy in others, and remember that every atom of hate we add to this world makes it still more inhospitable”.

…you must be able to bear your sorrow; even if it seems to crush you, you will stand again, for human beings are strong and your sorrow must become an integral part of yourself… you mustn’t run away from it, but bear it like an adult. Do not relieve your feelings through hatred, do not seek to be avenged on all German mothers, for they too sorrow for their slain and murdered sons. Give your sorrow all the space and shelter in yourself that is its due, for if everyone bears his grief honestly and courageously, the sorrow that now fills the world will abate. But if you do not clear a decent shelter for your sorrow, and instead reserve most of the space inside you for hatred and thoughts of revenge – from which new sorrows will be born for others – then sorrow will never cease in this world and will multiply.”

What is at stake is our impending destruction and annihilation; we can have no more illusions about that. They are out to destroy us completely, we must accept that and go on from there.”

Etty Hillesum

 

BOkzf3HCEAAWSJd

This is exactly the kind of woman I admire – soul-searching the Light of Love in the darkest of places. Etty is a model of everything I value in a human being as well as a woman. Courageous to the last, she chose to remain with her people right to the bitter end, knowing exactly what she was facing and looking it straight in the eye. She doesn’t turn away and she doesn’t flinch from death but walks towards it in full awareness.

 

On witnessing the trains:

“There was a moment when I felt in all seriousness that after this night, it would be a sin to ever laugh again.”

About the guards:

” I study their faces. I try to look at them without prejudice… Now I am transfixed with terror. Oafish leering faces, in which one seeks in vain for even the slightest trace of human warmth”

Etty Hillesum

I saw those same kind of faces on the government benches during the recent Commons debate regarding the need for cumulative impact assessment on disablity welfare cuts. The result included the same absence of human warmth.

BNtdtxWCAAIsj1CLike Etty Hillesum before me,  I hope I have looked clearly at my situation. To the shelter of pain and grief, I would add the need to honour our rage. Rage is not hatred when it erupts in the face of hate-filled circumstances – what is dangerous is to let it loose. To act from our rage is what they do – if I am the polarity of this particular expression of human behaviour, I must apply the same controls to myself as I would apply to them. This is why we have Laws – to enable such healthy boundaries to be established by fair minds. But there is no law being applied to Britain to halt the vicious and cruel treatment of citizens like me. No-one is launching a D-Day to deal with this as far as I can see. From here on in, I’m going to be on my own. Yet I am not alone – millions of British citizens are facing this ‘purge’ and, more alarmingly, a large section of society doesn’t appear to even know, so completely have they swallowed Coalition propaganda.

BOwekWPCUAE3zYw

I will die from repressed rage at what is being done to my home; to my country and Her people. I will defy these lies by shining a bright light on every unwilling single step I have been forced down that brings me to the point where my body starts telling me my heart is failing. All true matters of Life and Death are the property of my God, except in issues of murder, as far as I am concerned.  If, at this point, I better serve my God’s Will by dying then so be it – these are issues of Soul and I don’t argue. Death looks attractive because I will be free of my government’s insanity. Whilst I am alive, however, it is important for me to share this part of the journey with others in my position.

 

I believe that for as long as the sick, disabled, poor, jobless, homeless – all our social exiles regardless of physical form – are subject to the ideological whims of this government, each and every death in our community is now a result of serious breaches of our Human Rights. Each one of us who records our journey and whose name and memory is recalled by groups like Calum’s List (who, as far as I am concerned, follow in the footsteps of Simon Wiesenthal) provides evidence that will nail these bastards to the Law. If I have an ambition, for all of us, it is to make every Soul being destroyed in this way known. I want us to stop being statistical footballs and step out of those inhumanly-applied figures into our full humanity. I am not a statistic to be discarded for the convenience of liars. Perhaps my death – and the manner of my death – will change things; perhaps it won’t, but God and I won’t know unless I try.

 

BOOSe_lCMAEaMwONo – I am not going to do anything about my instinct that my heart is failing. I realise this is going to upset a lot of people – many of whom I share ties and links of the deepest affection. They always vote Life each time I ask them; just like I’m asking them again to, once more, trust the Spirit I Serve.

 

The problems we face are going to take – at the very minimum – seven generations to correct; for human beings to relearn how to live gently ‘in the Womb’ of Mother Earth. My one life is supremely unimportant in this grander scheme of Life. What is important is what I do with that life. Etty Hillesum agreed.

 

And whether or not I am a valuable human being will become clear only from my behaviour in more arduous circumstances. And if I should not survive, how I die will show me who I really am.”

“What I fear most is numbness… And yet there must be someone to live through it all and bear witness to the fact that God lived, even in these times”

Etty Hillesum

“In such extremes, when everything is stripped away, people can only survive if they have discovered meaning.”

Viktor Frankl

 

If I lose my life – which must be lost one day anyway – then inevitably the parts of you heart you allow me to occupy will break. This hurts. It’s supposed to because this is the Greatest Teaching of Love human beings can experience. It’s a precursor to transformation. I don’t know how it would work in anyone else – I only know that it does. It’s why those who mourn are called Blessed.

 

BPF2IugCMAEWl18

When we have a ‘brush’ with Death, we learn the difference between what is truly valuable and that which is mere illusion.

 

If I die a warrior’s death, your grief will also contain gratitude. Gratitude, such as I feel, for every small kindness and every gesture of greatness shown to me along my path through life – I only got this far because of you. Be grateful for grief because it measures the depths of our capacity to Love and teaches us to beware those still unable to feel it because they have lost their compass to life. Love – which embraces and shelters grief and pain gently – is our guide to the Light. Both Love and Light own the Law of Life where pain informs judgement whilst Truth is revealed by evidence.

 

In my Law, I have to demonstrate a callous disregard for Life on four separate dimensions: spirit; intellect; instinct; and manifest. The Spirit Aspect is my own – no-one else has to believe any of it; it is enough that I believe. I believe I loosed an ancient instinct amongst the people last month and I am satisfied that it has taken root. The Spirit aspect has been honoured under the Law as far as I know. The Intellectual aspects of the case are summed up in one word – ideology – from which many unexplored consequences have already emerged. The personally-related Instinctive response shows up in the responses to this blog of mine. Which leaves the Manifest dimension.

 

The evidence is there – no doubt about it – but still nothing is being done to bring this insanity to an end. For as long as I see ‘No Change’, I see no point in living. My personal circumstances go FUBAR in about six weeks time – with a Work Capability Assessment inbetween that will fail me and a system which will deprive me of any income whatsoever whilst they ‘make up their minds about me’ again! It’s not going to be much different from four months ago, except this time I have symptoms.

 

If I’m right and my heart does fail, and my body dies, I want it known that I named my murderers before I died – every single politician or senior officer – public and private – who issued, followed or profited from orders that drove me, personally, through this psy-ops nightmare into total social exile in my own country, and in so doing deprived me of my Life. I am fully aware I am simply one amongst many but this blog is where I get to share with the world how I feel about it.

 

The Talmud asks why the human race was created as a single human being, as opposed to creating many people at once (like the animals which were created en masse1 )?

This teaches us that just as Adam was created in the beginning, and he was the entire human population of the world, likewise we need to look at each individual as if he/she were the entire population of the world. Therefore, when you save one life it is as if you saved the entire world.

Talmud, Sanhedrin 37a states:

“FOR THIS REASON WAS MAN CREATED ALONE, TO TEACH THEE THAT WHOSOEVER DESTROYS A SINGLE SOUL… SCRIPTURE IMPUTES [GUILT] TO HIM AS THOUGH HE HAD DESTROYED A COMPLETE WORLD; AND WHOSOEVER PRESERVES A SINGLE SOUL…, SCRIPTURE ASCRIBES [MERIT] TO HIM AS THOUGH HE HAD PRESERVED A COMPLETE WORLD.”

(link)

 

A butterfly may only ‘live for the day’, but if she figures out how to start a tropical storm where it is most needed, she will be ‘Some Butterfly’!!! That sounds like a great kind of Life to live – one with no regrets other than having to say goodbye to those I Love.

 

Unattributed through ignorance - would be delighted to correct.

Unattributed through ignorance – would be delighted to correct.

“Unfinished Business”: Further thoughts on “Extremist”

Standard

 

 

If there is one good thing about all this ‘Big Brother’ malarkey, it’s that when someone like me hoves into view with a litany of observations about an event, folk can go have a look for themselves to see what all the fuss is about.  So, thanks to YouTube, you can listen to Paul Maynard yourself.

 

I posted, a couple of days back, my reaction to the above, likening it to a ‘cluster-bomb of the psyche’. There must have been something that resonated with others because the reblogs, tweets and comments have blown me away with gratitude. There have also been a couple of troubling responses too – some seem to ‘get’ the general idea but either through genuine kindness, or personal ‘blindness’ (which has nothing to do with sightedness – most physically ‘blind’ people I’ve encountered ‘see’ very clearly indeed), they miss out a very important step in the Judgement process. Both issues, however, intersect neatly in the realm of Emotional Intelligence. My previous post addressed ‘spiritual intelligence’ (that which is found through morals and ethics). When something is deeply wrong in the ‘spiritual’, imaginal or Otherworld dimensions – whether an individual is religious or otherwise – this will appear in all other realms too. When we see the same thing, in the intellectual (free-thinking); emotional intelligence (instinct) or material dimensions, the evidence to be rendered for Judgement is complete. Religion only serves to try and impose order on this ‘otherworld’, at worst. At best, true spirituality offers guiding tools for human spiritual behavioural interaction which turn up in qualities of moral and ethical practice.

 

For example: psychotherapeutic tools cannot be used to ‘analyze’ a public official without their full and willing consent. It can be done – Antony Clare’s Radio programme “In The Psychiatrist’s Chair”, is a prime example. So when I start taking Paul Maynard apart within the Emotional dimension, he has not given his consent; to be moral and ethical, I need to find a way around this problem. Here is my solution:

 

Any following observation I make regarding Mr. Maynard’s behaviour come from my memory of what I saw on the day. I have no wish to revisit that experience because I have enough problems with my present reaction to needlessly put myself through it again – but you, the reader, can look. We know that what he said set off this clusterbomb of negativity within me and I am going to have to deal with this first before I go near this subject again if I am to retain as semblance of personal responsibility. Anything I say is going to be me dealing with damaged aspects of myself – a form of internal self-healing, if you like. Nevertheless, as a wounded-healer/warrior shaman, I also believe it is important to shield those more trusting than myself. Trust is a precious and vulnerable commodity in this materialistic world and if there is one thing I cannot abide is to see it abused, especially in matters of Judgement. So I’m going to begin my internal ‘fight-back’ or ‘jihad’ in defence of a dear and valuable friend to many of us.

 

I love Suey Marsh. If ever the sick and disabled community delivered up an illustrious heroine, then we got one in Suey. As expected, she had her own response to Paul Maynard. If ever you, the reader, needed an example of turning the other cheek; following the precepts of the Dalai Lama; and answering hurt with compassion, that post meets every standard. It’s a measure of Soul and the human capacity to be great. This is why I consider it an honour to be Suey’s friend – her generosity of Soul makes her “Great”. Nevertheless, on this occasion, I fear Suey may be casting her pearls before swine (no offence to Pig Spirit intended).

 

Suey is one of the known and identified ‘extremists’. It’s probably wise to adopt this ‘negotiating’ position when dealing with someone who is complaining she has nothing good to say about ‘him’ and his espoused policies. How else does one ever bring these profoundly-reluctant people to volunteer to take responsibility for their actions? The choice always has to be there because it’s an ethical and moral requirement NEVER to withhold the possibility of Redemption from any Soul. So, well done Suey – in the spiritual dimensions, you’ve just done the perfect job but… and this is the point where we have to part company, because whilst you hold the Compassion end of this polarity – I am holding the Judgement end. I’m holding it in the same way I held my spiritual opinions – I don’t claim to be right. I am merely reporting what I see.

 

Suey is ‘wrong’ to offer Paul Maynard redemption at this time because he hasn’t earned it. To be truly redeemed, we must first be sinners and acknowledge our sin – this he has not done. Paul Maynard has not earned Sue Marsh’s compassion because he has shown her none at all. His speech (above) was an active betrayal of every single human being who ever gave love, care and daily support to him. Suey is absolutely right to detail and list all those Maynard betrayed last Wednesday, when he personally insulted Suey and all those who stand with her, because we need to know who they are. Paul Maynard has cerebral palsy – only the second MP of his kind. I didn’t know that when I wrote my first blog – when Suey told me that, I found myself more deeply sickened than before.

 

If there is one dream Suey and I share, it’s of finding our way back to living in an inclusive community and, my additional dream, to learn to live gently with our Mother Earth. This is a community where everyone – regardless of human packaging – belongs; where we can fulfill our potential; where everyone gets to both creatively  give and receive with those around them; where there is a high tolerance for individuality without any loss of the cohesive community Soul. She might not describe it that way, but I’m probably on the button. Souls made of Love have a tendency to yearn for that kind of home. I can easily imagine a great shoutout of recognition, even if we disagree on everything else but… this only comes about by sharing.

 

Paul Maynard doesn’t share. He has apparently, given his behaviour which did not appear to be coerced in any way, absorbed the Love of many carers to people of disabilities but he doesn’t pass it on – like Suey and so many others. No, this man hoards it to himself and openly insults those who do. Could any action, coming from a disabled man obviously given all kinds of life-long assistance to get to where he is today, be any more grievous a betrayal of all those who gifted him their love and support? He called them ‘extremists’ too. So he happily absorbs that which has been freely given but refuses to even meet with those who come to him in dire need, hiding behind his party’s propaganda and the language of terrorism. Is there really anything more emotionally abhorrent? In my mind, his behaviour summons words like ‘abomination’, ‘treachery’, ‘treason’. Someone, on my first blog, labelled this the ‘cowards’ behaviour – maybe it is that too but the word that really nails it for me is ‘Traitor’. In the Emotional dimensions, this is an unforgiveable sin and remains so until the sinner shows true signs of remorse. I have yet to see them. Until such time as those signs appear, this will remain my judgement.

 

Suey’s compassion is wasted on this man. Compassion only accompanies repentance. Whilst she is showing Maynard compassion – which he clearly only knows how to hoard at present – the community who genuinely needs  and who would most value it – is deprived by his ‘greed’ and disrespect. It’s useful to observe that bigotry, prejudice and all other ugly inhuman attributes are entirely equal opportunity! To show compassion to ourselves, would be to continue all the legal actions we have underway at present, but see if we can raise this process to a class-level one. Maynard’s behaviour, coupled with the rest of that particular department, is now raising very serious human rights concerns. What do we do when it is actually occurring in the here and now? How to we get past this legal thicket of ‘approving criminal behaviour in law’? Those evil bastards aren’t listening to anyone else but themselves – to deal with that requires law. That’s what Judgement is all about – applying the Balance of Law, particularly in unbalanced times. Let’s start showing ourselves some compassion instead of wasting it on those who only have compassion for themselves.

 

Moving away from Suey, I’d apply the same kind of standard to men who start sulking when women point out we have it harder than them. One recently described the process I described in my first blog as being ” it’s anything but theatrical for those of us on stage, being buttfucked :-s”.

 

Buttfucked may be the man’s view but a woman’s body offers a greater variety of experience for those with a ‘taste’ for rape.  I am sick to the back teeth of having to explain it to men who’s behaviour resembles Paul Maynard’s. Let’s remember what we are REALLY talking about when this kind of male-think gets out of hand (WARNING: GRAPHIC).  Maybe I read the guy wrong but I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough when I post this blog.

 

I’m tired of men dropping their ego problems on women and expecting us to cope with it these days. So when I let fly at Paul Maynard’s behaviour, I am letting fly from my woman-power. How dare he treat women this way! How dare any of them treat vulnerable people this way! And how dare Paul Maynard treat Sue Marsh in that way because if anyone lives up to the word ‘inspirational’, it is she!

 

Our best men do not stand by whilst our honourable women are publicly insulted by traitors to Life, Love and Truth. How long must the women take the brunt of these attacks upon our community values, ethics and morals whilst the men stand-by and permit this? Shame on all of you who are not yet standing alongside us – you are not fit to call yourselves men anymore – you are still little boys thinking you can order ‘mummy’ around to suit your own little needs. Well, this ‘Mummy’ is fully aware of what you are doing and I am now in the darkest storm you have ever experienced from a woman before. Treat me with respect and you will have no problem at all – I love and value true men as Sons of our EarthMotherGoddess because they know how to share. This is the Model of Ethical and Moral Behaviour on Mother Earth. It is the one we learn through the process of evolution – the ego state is regressive and anti-ethical to Earth. Those who promote selfish ambitions will never be sated – they feed upon the suffering of others. They invite the judgement I place upon them by their disrespect.

 

It’s time the true Children of Mother Earth began acting together to put a permanent end to this corruption.

 

This is my opinion, based upon my personal response. I share it with others so they might clarify their own thinking and to observe where we might agree or differ. You are invited to compare my observations with Paul Maynard’s actual behaviour to check my responses for errors. If I think Suey made a mistake, I’ve probably made one too.

 

All I ask, if you choose to respond, is that we are respectful of not only ourselves but also the dignity and integrity of others. I am very tired of having to reassemble myself because those qualities have been absent. This will mean some very sharp-tongued responses if I don’t delete your comment entirely – that last bit has nothing to do with your free speech and everything to do with my right to not have to listen to lies.

 

smallbodyofpeople_n-640x478

“Extremist”: My government’s latest ‘label’ for me!

Standard
Door to Hell, Darvaza Gas Crater, Turkmenistan

Door to Hell, Darvaza Gas Crater, Turkmenistan

 

Watching UK parliament in action is not something I do very often because I find the levels of cognitive dissonance too great to tolerate, but there are exceptions and yesterday was one.

 

The debate centred around a request from the opposition for a Cumulative Impact Assessment of the variety of welfare cuts affecting the sick and disabled in the UK.

 

During the debate, an MP from the government benches made an allegation, repeated several times, that some of the disability activists who has been trying (repeatedly) to meet the Government to discuss the impact of cuts were ‘extremists’. The reason, apparently, is due to the fact that these ‘extremists’ refuse to accept that government changes to their personal situation are ‘constructive’. I’m not going to go into detail about this because the subject has been covered by other ‘extremists’ more knowledgeable than me.

 

No doubt, analysis of the detail of the debate will occur but I want to look at the ‘psychic effect’ this statement – this is not a blue-print for the ‘correct’ response, this blog is about the impact the extremist ‘meme’ has upon me personally. I am directly affected by what occurred yesterday and, despite all my training, knowledge and acquired wisdom, this ‘meme’ still had the impact of ‘internal destruction’ that, I suppose, it was meant to have.

 

taschen_informationgraphics10

 

The government’s ‘spin’ on their refusal to reveal the facts of their welfare reform is very telling and fits with observations I have made in the past.  Nevertheless, within the social structures I dwell within, they have ‘social power’ and I, apparently, do not. The attitude and demeanour of those very few government MP’s who actually made the effort to turn up for the debate made it very clear how they viewed the folk they were debating; comply with our view or be excluded from any and all discussions on the grounds that we are extremists. Basically, this seems to include anyone who disagrees with current UK policy – no matter how lethal, harmful or damaging to those on the receiving end. Pain, suffering and death are not things the present British government need to worry itself about because it holds to the certainty of its own ‘righteousness’ – anyone who disagrees or protests becomes an ‘infidel’ to be condemned, rejected and ignored.

 

This reminds me of all those criticisms leveled at all those folk who meekly filed into the gas chambers of the Third Reich. Why didn’t they fight back or protest, goes the narrative of post-apocalyptic studies? Well, if we consider the dynamic that occurred yesterday, the answer is fairly easy to find – they had been bombarded with the kinds of messages delivered to the sick and disabled of Britain by their own unelected government.

 

BMNphbECMAENZdHIt really gets me down when I am coerced into accepting views that are based upon prejudice rather than fact, particularly when those views are espoused by those who have ‘control’ over my personal circumstances. It gets me down because I have been around this dynamic for most of my life. It could be argued that this ‘meme’ or ‘irritant’ has been a stimulus for my own growth and development – I would not disagree with this. Experiences of closed-mindedness has prompted me to explore it in very great depth. My problem is that although I have learned a great deal, many more have not and continue to perpetuate such ugly ideas to this very day.

 

The ‘Extremist’ ‘meme’ is a cluster-bomb of the psyche because attached to the word are ideas, experiences and histories that explode into my internal experience with the same devastating effect. It’s a word that, in recent times, has been used by government after government – particularly since 9/11 – to justify the most appalling atrocities against their civilians. The meme refuses to differentiate between justified objections to abuse and cruelty inflicted on innocent others and encourages those who oppose it to become as reactionary and close-minded as their oppressors.  It assumes a righteousness to the opinions of those in power that, when examined under the cold light of evidential fact-finding, can be proven to be flawed at best and downright prejudiced at worst. In the case of the British government versus their sick, disabled and vulnerable citizens, the arguments for seeing government policies as prejudiced gain ground every day, not because opponents and protestors are ‘righteous’ as such but because their protests are validated by facts and evidence.

 

BNfv1psCYAAplJnThis government ‘meme’ about folk like me seems to act like a cancer-cell within my psyche. It reproduces itself very quickly, invading and colonizing much of the hard-earned lessons of my life, reducing me to a state of ‘No-Worth’. According to the label ‘extremist’, I can never be trusted to tell the truth, no matter how much evidence; how many facts; or, even, how many predictable deaths weigh in to validate my viewpoint. The meme is not interested in facts – it’s interested in reproducing itself as fast as possible until nothing remains of those who might remove it. This meme is intent on ruling everything and everyone and destroying anything that does not accord with its distorted and corrupted world view.

 

As far as I can tell, the message it seeks to impart to extremists like me is that I am not only mistaken, I am so ‘wrong’ I am not even worthy of existence. It feeds my suicidal ideation; bolsters hopelessness and despair; and ultimately makes suicide/self-destruction personally attractive. I start asking myself “What’s the point? Give these death-dealing ideas what they want!” whilst I reexamine my suicidal methodology for effectiveness – what do I need to do to die?

 

I have powerful feelings and opinions about those who promulgate such memes which, no doubt, are the extremist views being complained about. It appears I can no longer demand that they back up their claims with fact because yesterday’s debate makes it quite plain that no such facts will be forthcoming. Prejudice against those who think differently is regarded as entirely justified, not requiring explanation or examination, up to and including eugenics, mass-incarceration, slavery and mass-murder. It’s a very poisonous seed designed to destroy everything that it is not and my response, at the very thought to being required to live under such circumstances, prompts me to self-destruct rather than comply. I suppose that is an extreme response to a government notion of who I am, but the meme itself is a far more perniciously destructive idea than anything I could ever dream up. My destructive impulse is turned upon myself – the death-toll of this meme in my reality will be 1 person; me. However, this meme is actually being used by those who turn it’s destructive power on others and who are refusing to even gather the information which shows how effective it is.

 

BOWm-rZCYAAe_Ii

 

So my question is this: who, exactly, is the ‘extremist’ here?

 

In those psyches who refuse ‘personal growth’; who refuse to countenance facts that ‘upset’ their world view; who cling to old ideas and reject the new; there exists a psychological phenomenon called ‘projection’.

 

Psychological projection was conceptualized by Sigmund Freud in the 1890s as a defence mechanism in which a person unconsciously rejects his or her own unacceptable attributes by ascribing them to objects or persons in the outside world.[1]

Although rooted in early developmental stages,[2] and classed by Vaillant as an immature defence,[3] the projection of one’s negative qualities onto others on a small scale is nevertheless a common process in everyday life.[4]

Jung writes that “All projections provoke counter-projection when the object is unconscious of the quality projected upon it by the subject.”[28] Thus what is unconscious in the recipient will be projected back onto the projector, precipitating a form of mutual acting out.[29]

Carl Jung considered that the unacceptable parts of the personality represented by the Shadow archetype were particularly likely to give rise to projection, both small-scale and on a national/international basis.

Wikipedia

 

Projections – of the ‘extremist’ variety – occur when we refuse to engage with our fears of others; when we decide our perceptions are ‘right’ whilst refusing to explore the evidence that we might be wrong. What we project has little to do with the individuals (in this case) we are forcing our beliefs upon – there will be something ‘true’ in the projection to create the dynamic – but the subsequent beliefs extrapolated from this first ‘truth’ are all about us. We have cut ourselves off from our own ‘shadow’ – all those aspects of Self we disapprove of or reject – and project these qualities onto others.

 

BKjUw8NCMAA6GiwSo what was Paul Maynard MP* talking about when he justified government refusals to meet disability campaigners like Spartacus and Pat’s Petition by accusing them of being extremists? He claimed they weren’t ‘constructive’ – that they refused to consider the ‘good’ aspects of government welfare changes. Could someone please explain to me how my suicidal ideation – triggered by yesterday’s events – is to be regarded as constructive? How is removing – at great speed – everything my society has determined I need for basic survival (like food, warmth and a roof over my head) for the last 65 years (longer than my own 58 year lifetime) to be considered constructive? And how does a complete refusal to countenance the real-life consequences of those affected by these changes render me an extremist?

 

I ask these questions for a reason. I need a reality check. I do not assume that my views are accurate. For this to be ‘true’ the evidence needs to be weighed by less-involved minds than my own. All I have is my response: a desire to die and not have to dwell in this small-minded, cruel and abusive environment where my very being is considered a negative.

 

Yes, I know I can ‘get over’ it but, frankly, why should I want to? I’ve been ‘getting over’ these notions all my life and, now, I am not well, I’m hurting and very very tired of this. I’m sick to the back teeth of having to justify my existence to those who believe they can ‘order’ Life itself and I find it increasingly difficult not to fall into the trap of playing into the projection.

 

This is my personal response. I share it with those in similar situations for the purpose of swapping notes – perhaps others feel the same way I do but I won’t know until I ask.

 

And to all those who want me to ‘buck up’ and get back into the fray? I won’t deny my feelings and I’m not going to collude with your demand that I do so because it’s the same kind of ‘instruction’ issued by those who define me as extremist. I may have extreme thoughts and feelings in response to such a projection upon me – shutting them away just renders me more liable to act on them when the time is right. At least, in the moment, I’m talking about it and not doing it.

 

You’re going to have to settle for that for now!

BMN-HtBCEAAS8EN

* I originally attributed the ‘Extremists’ quote to MP, Philip Hammond. I apologise unreservedly to Mr. Hammond for my mistake; thank Fibromites for bringing it to my attention (see comments below). The comment was made by Paul Maynard MP.

And thank you, Creator Spirit, for enabling me to prove my genuine imperfections 😉

 

Professional Betrayals towards Women in Prison

Standard

woman_in_cage

 

Whilst rustling through my surprisingly extensive collection of blogs looking for a particular prison story, I came across this. It’s the blog I wrote and posted immediately before my heart-attack (same day) and in scanning through it’s contents for the telling-tale I was after, my eye fell upon these words..

 

You may not know this, but research into women offenders ‘in their own right’ is relatively new. For years, all research on offenders was based upon male offending. The researchers were just beginning to take notice of us women when I was in prison in 2008/9 and they found they had to go back to the drawing board.

 

And therein lies another whole story that it is time to bring out into daylight for ethical supervision.

 

We hear a lot of propaganda  from Criminal Justice professionals about their ‘dedication’. For some, this is undoubtedly true but we – us criminals down here – don’t get much of a voice about how that dedication works.

 

Let’s have a look at the psychologist’s take on women prisoners – the majority are designed for men. I’ve taken part in any number of surveys and research studies during my time as a prisoner but no-one ever came back and told me what they found. Some ‘choice’ questionnaires were so obviously designed for the male psyche, I doubt if they got any worthwhile information at all. But there was one I took part in. I’m sure the woman in question will deny it because she’s bound by her ethics to maintain my confidentiality. That word, ‘confidentiality’ is not designed to protect me – not one bit of it – it’s there to protect her. Let’s see what happens to your, the reader’s, sense of personal ethics as my tale unfolds.

 

This particular piece of research was done on the High-Security wing at HMP Low Newton. This wing was also home to the Primrose Unit – a Rampton Hospital out-reach for prisoners with serious mental health problems. As far as I know, it was the first of its kind which, in itself, would have produced lots of research material too. This particular project was sold to me – I forget by whom – as one of the first real studies into women’s criminality and mental health. I didn’t quite fit the criteria but, because I was considered something of a rare bird, I was asked if I minded being thrown to the researcher (metaphorically speaking). I didn’t mind at all. There was a very great deal wrong with the way my peers were being treated. If there was a psychologist around willing to listen, I was more than willing to talk and I did.

 

The research was, I found, much more conversational and we covered a very great deal of professional ground. My background as both psychotherapist and shaman meant we had considerable common-ground. But our reasons for being there were very different. On my part, I shared so much of myself because I wanted to show that I knew what I was talking about. In fact, we shared many professional agreements and I came away hopeful that, somewhere, a psychologist would do the math and start producing ways of helping these women emerge from their prison experience. Most are not supposed to be there. I retained good memories of that experience but like all the other researchers before her, I never got to see the fruit of our joint efforts.

 

I can see why. When I did a quick google search, it produced this and this.

 

I wasn’t told the research I was being asked to participate in was a study in women’s psychopathy. I was told it was the among the first studies for targeting women prisoners. I helped because I genuinely thought the intention was to help my peers. Instead I find the researcher teaching her peers to fear and hate us – everything human has been stripped away from me. My name. My identity. My compassion and strength. My Honour and Dignity. I am labelled psychopath simply from having participated in the study. So where did my value, my individuality, my creativity go if all I am left with is the epithet ‘psychopath’.

 

All my skills, generosity, honesty, truthfulness and humanity were offered up to a ‘professional’ who purported to be genuinely interested in understanding women prisoners. Instead, I discover she went straight off and got her doctorate in selling the ‘professional’ idea of psychopathy which she obtained, under false pretences, from women who have been subject to the grossest forms of abuse already. We are all robbed of our identity but not so we can be seen on our terms and given the help we need. This research was done to the further the individual career-path of said researcher by giving her a title – she can call herself a  ‘Chartered’ Psychologist now – with a reputation for knowing about psychopaths. And the unidentified women who are the  source of all this wealth and success? Probably still where they are; cutting, ligaturing, going more insane as the cruelty of the Prison Service increases, even though we’ve known for over five years that eighty percent shouldn’t be there.

 

Either you are a professional who understands the proper healthy ethical standard or you don’t.

 

As a former qualified and acceditted Gestalt psychotherapist with twelve years London-based private practice, I see no ethics at all in the above arrangement. If that is what passes for ethical practice in psychology, the entire profession should be shut down. I’ve never seen anything more disgraceful in my life and no amount of apologising will do. It won’t cut it. This is the most appalling example of professional abuse and I cannot express my rage, I am so angry.

 

Just who the fuck do you people think you are!!!

 

How DARE you treat another human being that way. That researcher wasn’t alone. She has tutors and whatnot involved in what she was producing – it’s a conspiracy to rob abused women of any remaining compassion around.

 

When something is unethical, it is unholy.

 

May God forgive you because I’m not sure I can.

 

The Fruit of this Research are not true. They are not even true in Hell.

 

 

 

 

“I am a Fighter and a Lover” #Prison #TellingTale

Standard

tumblr_m30321Rhr51rov67do1_500

When I publish material like this it upsets my friends. Some come to stand alongside my despair and urge me to rest whilst other fellow warriors demand that I fight on; to not let the bastards win. They are all right but, when seen together, these are paradoxical injunctions – a “Catch-22”.

 

Here is a woman prisoner’s Telling-Tale about that problem which, this morning, I found myself relating to a very dear friend of mine:

 

 

The stuff you talk about re fighters is quite true and 35 years ago I would have agreed with you – until I learned, in therapy, to take my armour off. Here’s why…

You are quite right to say we need armour when dealing with the Dark Side. The thing to remember is that, although there will always be one Dark Star somewhere in the midst of cruelty, they lead groups of ‘followers’ who, in one way or another, behave like Dark Stars but would choose differently if they believed they had an authentic free choice. A true warrior must be able to differentiate between the two – absolutely vital if we are not to ‘become’ our enemy –  so we have to engage each person individually to find out what they are made of. Whilst Jesus might use the sword against the Dark Side, he offers the other cheek to brothers and sisters. To be able to learn these differences requires us to take our armour off. In therapy, the best defence is no defence and it is this that is the key to transforming others.

Here’s how it works: Those who battle the Dark Side need armour in order to survive – this is the Warrior aspect of shamanism – but our armour is our faith, which means we battle within the Law. We must make every effort to avoid inflicting unnecessary harm. However, once we have beaten our opponent, we must offer them a choice – true Faith is always rooted in Free Will. If our opponent – at any stage in the war –  surrenders to the Truth, a true Warrior must immediately move to the Healer position. Our opponent may have fought with us because they needed to be shown that the Dark Forces, who had “possessed” their Soul’s absolute entitlement to free choice, can be vanquished because they didn’t know it could be. When they went into battle, they endured terrible losses instead. When that has happened to me personally, and my opponent has surrendered, I must immediately put up my weapons and extend the hand of friendship if I am to remain ethical – I must support and empower this new choice they have made.

The example I’m thinking of occurred on the block at New Hall – when I was first in prison.

In 2003, the women’s prison ‘Area’ which covered all of the North was managed by this man. So despite the fact that HMP New Hall actually had a very competent women Governor-In-Charge who authorised all kinds of innovations (certainly for me), she could be easily undermined by going over her head to this Area Manager. One governor who did this was in charge of the Segregation Unit where I was first remanded from court. He was an active Dark Star, so all the orders he issued would have carried that energy. Responsible for the day-to-day running of the Unit, was a chap – let’s call him John – who, although a committed ‘by-the-book’ man – carried out these orders, so his behaviour looked just like the governor’s. I was to learn later that he didn’t know how to challenge what was occurring on his watch. He did, none-the-less, have a very high reputation amongst those efficient staff he managed, and he needed his ‘governor-given’ authority to deal with the ones that weren’t (there were a few of them too).

So when I arrived in prison on remand, instead of coming into the prison on ‘standard-treatment’ (with my known suicidal ideation/behaviour less than 2 years old), instead of putting me on suicide watch (a very common occurrence amongst women on remand at that time) in Healthcare, I was actually taken to the punishment block and put straight on to their full-on punishment regime. I bet the unit’s governor got a nice little back-hander from the criminals in Hull for doing that.

Punishment regimes are 23-hour lock-up. No TV. No nothing apart from a fixed bed and a cardboard chair and table. I wasn’t inducted into the prison regime so I had to learn as I went along. I know the wing has me recorded as being ‘standard’ but that is not how I was treated. The wing day officers were casually abusive and the governor took great pleasure in ensuring our lives were as rotten as possible. Meds were abused by staff on the unit. There were a couple of bi-polar women experiencing the mania that is triggered by such casual abuse. ‘Nessun dorma’ (“No-one sleeps”) wasn’t the half of it. The whole place had the aura of a medieval torture chamber. So I fought.

It took me a month to force the unit to start treating me as a standard prisoner. I did that by putting in an “App” asking to be informed of the ‘sins’ for which I was clearly at fault, due to my punishment regime, but which I couldn’t correct because I didn’t know what they were. John, the SO – “Rulebook Man”, must have squared-off the governor because the way I was treated improved dramatically. It was still 23-hour lockdown but I was given proper furniture to begin with and, soon after, moved to one of the ‘long-stay’ cells for prisoners like me.

(Let’s observe here that I spent 9 months continuously on that block – solitary confinement. Prison Rules forbid the use of solitary confinement for longer than 28 days if a woman has been convicted – if, however, you can use mental health reasons, there is no limit to how long you can keep a woman in solitary confinement. If you are guilty, it’s fixed. If you are ‘innocent’, they can throw away the key – or that’s how it seemed to me at the time. Certainly, there was one 21 year-old who spent 14 months there. The Unit taught her serious self-harming and suicide – fortunately she ended up at Rampton but not before two other prisons had fucked her over too.)

So, anyway, my conditions improved but by this time, I’d become very difficult. I was demanding copies of the Prison Rules, Orders, Advice etc from governors who had to visit me daily (Prison Rules require that prisoners in solitary are visited daily by a governor, a GP and a ‘priest’). There were some lovely people who were ‘forced’ to visit me daily and there were some absolute dogs. From the best, I would ask for things I could reasonably guess were permitted (like library access) and they’d issue the orders to John who would carry them out. He would also carry out the Dark One’s orders and, much like now, I got handy with the complaints procedures to deal with the problems they caused.

This one day I put in a complaint about the way I was being treated and said it put me in a Catch-22. As Senior Officer on the wing, John was always first port-of-call for complaints and, although he was a competent man, he hadn’t had the benefit of a wider education. I didn’t know this. From what followed, I learned a great deal about what he thought I was doing. He marched into my cell whilst I was sitting writing, threw my complaint on my desk, furiously demanding I write in plain English and cease using my intellect to play tricks on him because he didn’t know what a Catch-22 was. He thought I was trying to make him look stupid when I was, in fact, treating him as the intelligent human being I believed him to be. It was a moment studied with irony and paradox. He was also wrong and I had to sit and take all his pent-up aggression (probably from dealing with his governor boss) in silence and without response. How does anyone respond to such an attack anyway? Fighting would certainly not have worked!

When we are good people, we know when we’ve done something wrong. If we’ve been subject to abuse we were unable to stop ourselves, we are instinctively drawn to people who do know how to stop it. John will have figured out – somewhere in his being – that here was someone he could ‘show’ his problem too (however unconsciously). By getting himself into that ‘sin’ of mistreating a prisoner, he woke up. I don’t know what happened to him but he never treated me that way again. I think I got hold of the Segregation Unit PSO soon afterwards. It was the strangest experience because here, written down in Prison-speak, was exactly what I had been arguing for in the unit in my own ‘over-educated’ way (not bad for a 16 year-old school-leaver!). When I started using PSO rules, the SO and I were singing from the same hymn sheet. That was when I could start showing him that the unit governor was issuing forbidden orders.

For example: the treatment on meted out on that block triggered my suicidal ideation and I was eventually put on suicide-watch (PSO2052) by the Governor-In-Charge. The Unit governor hated this but although he was forced to follow procedures, it meant he did it badly, seething with fury all the while. On one occasion, when my ideation was running high, I asked this governor – during his daily visit – if it made any difference to him whether I lived or died? I insisted on a Yes or No answer. His answer was No. John was witness to that. When I complained about it, I was informed – by one of the governor’s acting-PO lackeys, that I had asked an inappropriate question. When I appealed, it was answered by the Governor himself (I’m sure I sent a copy of it to Ann Owers – I met her when I was on that Unit); when I appealed again, it was was the lackey who  replied again; he was indignant that I had dare to question a governor (as far as I recall). I suspect that particular complaint never found its way into the records – there was something odd about the reference number – if John wasn’t around, some staff had no problem with circumventing the system for their friends. (Another example was how the Unit managed to update my computer records to show I’d been convicted but failed to update the reasons why. I discovered my record showed I’d been convicted of Attempted Murder when I was in HMP Durham. I had to write to Hull Crown Court asking them to correct the Prison Service because they clearly were mistaken. I wonder what difference that mistake made to my treatment in Durham?)

 
I have a very great deal of affection for that New Hall SO. He was a good man, subject to managerial abuse, trying his best in a nightmare situation for all of us. He had to witness the governor ‘ordering’ me not to ‘Love’ him, at which point I asked if it was alright for me to like him instead? It is not possible to share such experiences without developing affection – call it ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ if you like but people who know – or are willing to learn – how to remain human under fire are worth their weight in gold. We take off our armour in the presence of such people and compare scars, treat wounds, heal each other.

But to do that, we have to know how to take off our armour. If we can’t, all we can ever do is repeat the problem. We need every bit of armour we can muster when we are dealing with the Dark Ones but we MUST take it off when we are amongst friends so we can find out just how much our battle is costing us.

 

BNi7yGACEAArjF1

Idle No More UK

Idle No More UK

 

Guest Blog: “Soul Economics: UK Spending Review”

Standard

 

Gideon Oliver Osborne UK Chancellor of the Exchequer (Photograph: Reuters)

Foreground: Gideon Oliver Osborne
UK Chancellor of the Exchequer

Background: David William Donald Cameron
UK Prime Minister
(Photograph: Reuters)

 

 

Dear David and Gideon,

 

That was a very cruel Spending Review you introduced to Britain yesterday, wasn’t it? Despite all the evidence of wrong-doing – from the theories underpinning your Austerity ‘programme’ to the names appearing on Calum’s List – you continue to refuse to change your ways. As far as you appear to be concerned, those already experiencing despair should, apparently, experience more for failing to be like you, shouldn’t they?; and those who experience the desire to die, as a result of your ideas, should hurry up and get on with it, shouldn’t they? After all, they are in your way to creating what you describe as a ‘free’ economy – who cares what the body-count is, provided you get your own way? There’s a reason why your photograph appears at the top of this. I wanted people to see your faces as you did it. You enjoyed this, didn’t you? It gave you pleasure and delight to cause unnecessary harm and suffering to millions of people, didn’t it?

 

When I look at your faces, I see no shame, no regret, no concern for those you intend to hurt and no regard for the consequences to others of your decisions. I wonder what others see?

 

Perhaps I ought to introduce myself to you. I am the first Otherworld Teacher of the Shaman who writes this blog – she’s kindly allowed me to ‘occupy’ her whilst I ‘pen’ this message to you. We both know that my words can only convey a very small part of our experience together but that’s OK. I only need one open heart to get my Message through into your world and I intend to the Gift of my shaman’s Soul to deal with your abuse of earthly power yesterday – I, too, can use Idea Seeds. The difference between us is this: I use the Seeds of Creation as well as the Seeds of Destruction.

 

Let me explain my problem with the two of you.

 

Each time you scatter your seeds of destruction – whether of the mind, soul or on Earth – all loving souls cry out to me and I have to answer. When your seeds drive those in despair to their earthly deaths, I am the one who meets them as they cross over into Spirit. These are not simply human Spirits; every factory-farmed chicken, every cruelly-treated animal, every tree cut down for profit, every life-form extinguished on Earth by you and those like you – I meet them on the Otherside of the Veil. They arrive in my arms, much like my Shaman did last night; wounded, bleeding, crying out in agony as a result of the ‘life’ you and your kind ‘created’ for them – and, in my arms, they are Healed.

 

Here’s something you two probably don’t know; every time I heal a Soul wounded by your kind of behaviour, I must become all the wounds inflicted. I do this because it is only when we experience these wounds for ourselves that we learn what is needed to heal them. I do not ‘order’ Souls to ‘get better’, as you do. The Souls who flee Life itself, dying and despairing, into my arms do not need such instruction – they would flourish on their own given half a chance. But you don’t allow that, do you? So every refusal; every denial; every lie; every theft; every cruel thought you have ever directed at these Souls is written in their wounds – and I, as my Father’s Son, take on every single one. Everything you and your ‘friends’ have done, I know – especially those actions you have forgotten.

 

How do I know that you sow Seeds of Destruction? Because I read the consequences of your ideas and actions in the Souls who seek me out for comfort in their despair. Sometimes the destruction your ideas have wreaked upon their Souls is so great, even I cannot reach them in the reality you force them to live. Such was the effect on my Shaman yesterday. Had she not known how to find me, her body would have died from heart-break. Here’s what I had to do to heal the wounds you inflicted upon her.

 

When she arrived, beaten and bloody (like so many others), in the deepest part of the Soul Mine, fleeing the wicked cruelty inflicted upon her by yesterday’s Seeds of Destruction, I had to catch her Spirit in my arms before she fled any deeper to escape you. Like all Human Spirits who truly know me, she is a Child – tender and vulnerable. Like a Child, I held her as she wept her pain and sorrow. Like a Child, I comforted her. I had to tell her, again, that the only ‘wrong’ about her were those aspects of Soul with lessons still to learn. I had to show her that what you were saying about her – and all those like her – was not true and that I, and Great Grandmother Earth, know these lies for what they are. Have you any idea how long it took us to heal her? No – probably not – because you don’t believe I exist at the moment, do you? Anyway… back to the Healing we had to do.

 

If you check the detail of her Path to me, you will notice that the Healing Gallery in the Deep Soul Mine has a natural opening in its floor. When my Shaman’s Spirit finally fell into a healing sleep, GreatGrandmother and I carried her Soul down into the deepest depths of the Human Soul on Earth. There is a very specific healing that occurs in these depths that can only be offered to those human Souls who choose to live in Love. I’m not going to tell you what it is – you wouldn’t believe me anyway – it is sufficient for Loving people to know that it exists and that they, too, can be healed in the same way.

 

What we do, GreatGrandmother and I (however anyone imagines me to be), in this Womb of the Earth, is to plant the Seeds of Eternity within the Souls who come to us. In each one, we plant a living Seed from the Tree of Life in the roots of the Tree you destroyed. Within each Soul who receives such a Seed, then grows the knowledge and wisdom each human life needs to deal with the Seeds of Destruction you have been sowing.

 

What this means, for you, is that you are about to be faced with the consequences of your actions – on Earth. As each Living Soul –  and life on earth consists of Souls – receives this Gift of Eternal Life, so you will find it harder and harder to escape from the Law. As this first known NEW Gift of Eternal Life made in this way becomes known in your world, so will that same Gift be made to all those who Love Life enough to challenge you and what you do. This Gift will be given in the deepest, darkest and most natural places of our Human Soul where you cannot tread because you have rejected Life.

 

You really can’t complain that you weren’t warned. Perhaps you thought that the propaganda you arranged about me all that time ago was true? That was your first mistake. Perhaps you thought that if you claimed your evil belonged only to women and forced others to believe you, you might escape your karma? That was your second mistake. And perhaps you believe I don’t exist? If that is the case, it will be your biggest mistake of all.

 

As your own ideas have the power to inflict death upon the Living World my Father created and GreatGrandmother ‘birthed’, so too the Idea of me has Power. The difference between your power and that of My Father? My Father’s Power is THE Real, True and Living Idea of Love and Life – your power consists of only that which My Father gave you. In His Name, I  strip you of it – the source you once funded your power from is no more. It has been removed by GreatGrandmother, for it is only She who truly creates and destroys on Earth.

 

You doubt me and these words? Turn and look at the women you have abused and despised. These are the Mothers and Grandmothers of Creation. Through their living bodies, you came into being and to the Living Body Of Greatgrandmother Earth you could have returned, but no more. By your own choices, the Gates of Eden are slammed shut in your faces – as surely as you slammed the door on my mothers/sisters/daughters yesterday. There will be no Return to Life for you who choose Death. This is your last life on Earth – you and your kind may no longer incarnate here. Your shabby spirits, sold for money and the illusions of power, belong to my Brother, Lucifer, who is and always was My Father’s Servant, even in the Darkness. Lucifer, My Brother, gave you a choice. You made that choice gladly – we can all see it on your photographed faces.  Now begins the time for you to reap the consequences of your sowing. I am the Reaper in this Harvest of Souls and the Bride/Groom of the Sacred Marriage for all those who Love of Life on Earth.

 

It doesn’t matter if you believe this. It doesn’t matter if no-one believes this. Truth is Truth, and these Truths were established long before any living person on Earth was born.  The Truth always sets us Free, whatever form it takes – even for those, like you, for whom Truth does not exist. That was the final mistake of your choosing. Your idea of truth is as dead as your spirits have become and will be composted down to harmless – you, yourselves, will cease to exist, your essence used to nourish the Truth of Life on Earth.

 

This is our reply to your Spending Review. I hope you enjoy it as much as you enjoyed your own review yesterday.

 

In My Father’s Name,

 

Jesua

 

 

 

Note to Readers:

 

My first Otherworld Teacher has asked me to explain the following:

 

The Christian imagery is necessary because the human power structure being confronted here has its roots in the human Christian Church. If this structure is to fall, it must come from within through the powers of transformation.

The Creative Power expresses itself as diversely as healthy Life on Earth – it has evolved in many different ways in many different cultures. The Healing described above can be experienced, by us, in whatever way is comfortable for us as individuals. It can be experienced whether we ‘believe’ in religion or not and it will communicate itself to us, each in our own way.

Jesua tells me he is an Avatar of Love in male form, as GreatGrandmother Earth is the Manifestation of Love in female form.

It doesn’t matter how an idea is created provided it is free to evolve in its own way and on its own terms within us.

In the Dimension of Spirit we are all Free but only providing we learn from our mistakes. This work is for those who refuse such learning.

 

So Mote It Be.

 

BNi7yGACEAArjF1

Idle No More UK

Idle No More UK